You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse--An 8- Step Program

by Suzette Haden Elgin

Book Overview

You can't say that to me! "Can't you do anything right?" "I can'tbelieve you would feed that junk to your child!" "What is this? Anddon't tell me it's a casserole, I already know that." "If youreally cared about me, you wouldn't behave this way." Soundfamiliar? Each of us occasionally feels the sting of veryunpleasant language from those who are closest to us--spouses, employers, friends, relatives. But frequent and repeated use ofunanswerable questions,...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0471003999
• ISBN13: 9780471003991
• Release Date: March 1995
• Publisher: Wiley
• Length: 224 Pages
• Weight: 0.73 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.6" x 6.0" x 9.0"

Customer Reviews

Ok

The first 30 pages or so were a let down. The middle starts to get interesting but not really helpful if you are being abused. They make way too may excuses for the abuser. However, if you are just reading this out of interest it is worth the read. If you are in an abusive relationship I recommend: 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages by Karla Downing Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft The Verbally abusive relationship By Patricia Evans Not to People Like Us By Susan Weitzman

To review this book you need to read it.

From reading the reviews, some of the reviewers haven't read the book, it is obvious. Many of the complaints actually agree with the perspective of the book.For example someone complains that the book is about "mastery of slick responses to throw the attacker off guard." That is not what the book is about. None of the responses are slick, none of the responses have to do with throwing anyone off guard. None of them are about fighting, instead they are all about relationships.Or the complaint that Elgin simplifies it all to "the pain is all in your head" -- Elgin is one of the few people who really believes that verbal abuse can kill you and it is terrible to have to endure. She never simplifies it to "it is all in your head, you can just learn to ignore it" -- in fact she teaches the exact opposit.I think that many of the reviewers are just reacting against books in this genre -- the same reason that Elgin wrote the one great book of its kind for normal people trying to deal with these problems while in the midst of them (her other books deal with related issues, but this one book is for the non-professional in real life home situations).What she does is go over how you can deal with abuse from people who are not mentally ill and with whom you deal in day to day and family relationships -- all recognizing that verbal abuse is a feedback loop, something many people do not know. The books teach how you can dampen the feedback loop instead of intensifing it, and by dampening it, control and remove it from relationships.My mother found this book invaluable for dealing with some people who had her at her wits end.Consider that when there is abuse in a situation not controlled by mental illness you can do one of two things: you can intensify the situation or you can defuse it. Elgin, in an eight step program of solid steps and approaches, goes over how to train yourself to recognize and defuse verbal violence without blaming yourself and without minimizing the harm that verbal abuse causes people.The techniques work. Over forty years of implementation and practice demonstrate that they work. In my practice I've given about fifty or more copies of her books for that very reason. The thing that marks this book from all of her others is that it is a program for teaching normal human beings how to use the techniques and how to escape the prison of abusive verbal loops that can destroy otherwise valuable relationships.If there is hope, then this is the book.

When You Read This Book CAREFULLY

When you read this book carefully, you learn that what this book is really about is how to understand why your communication may be going very wrong - despite your best intentions. If you are being hurt by what you feel are words spoken thoughtlessly, this book is for you. If you want to walk out the door of your home in the morning knowing you have more energy to face the world because you did not have to waste your strength is a fruitless family squabble, this book is for you. If you've always wanted to express yourself and your ideas more clearly and have them be received in the way you intend them, this book is definitely for you. Because what is book is really about is learning precise, yet loving-kind language. This book is about communicating very well without hurting anybody.On page 13, the author of this book, Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D. in Linguistics, shares a remarkable insight. She writes: "Chronic communication breakdown happens when we don't realize the source of a problem is language and we take it for granted that the problem is caused by a _person_."If language precedes violence (and research shows that it does), it makes such good sense to be able to learn and speak the language and never have to worry about the violence. As a parent, journalist, and teacher for over 30 years, I needed this book. It helped me immensely at home and in my work. I highly recommend it.

A solid guide

Elgin states in the beginning of this book that this is the work that her whole "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" series has been building up to. I would agree, in that this is a solid guide for those suffering from verbal abuse.There's nothing in this book that will make you jump up and shout "Eureka! That's the solution!" But the truth is that there probably is no such solution.What you WILL get from the book is a practical framework that you can build on to improve the situation. And, almost as important, to help you avoid the trial-and-error of trying out ways that don't really help in the long run.I might have given this book 4 stars, but one other thing makes me push it up to 5: the attitude the book encourages toward the verbal abuser. Other books for victims of verbal abuse engender a lot of negative feelings, sometimes to the point of hate-mongering. This book, however, helps you manage the situation without encouraging ill-will.

Elgin does not blame the victim; She empowers the victim!

Elgin's Gentle Art system of Verbal Self-Defense empowers people so they no longer are easy targets of verbal abusers. The verbal abuse is met with systematic resposes based on how language works. This deflects and deescalates the verbal abuse. The abusive person is held accountable when the responses needed to keep the victim role going are not forthcoming. This puts them on notice immediately that things have changed. Verbally abusive people are insecure people who have learned to get temporary relief from their insecure thinking by verbally abusing others. Elgin's system disarms the presupposed claims of the abusive person including "You are a victim, and I will get you to take the bait." Elgin's Eight Step program is effective. One of the things that naturally occurs as a person understands Elgin's system is that they become calmer, more grounded, and more confident. You use Elgin's system calmly without getting angry at the verbal abuser. You feel better about yourself because you are using your own inner resources (your language) to protect yourself and others.

There is hope for your relationship

I was caught in the verbal abuse cycle with my husband and had no way to get out. I blamed him and was miserable. This book brought me to a new level of accoutability and gave me hope for my relationship. I just kept thinking, wow! if I can just follow these 8 steps, I can totally transform our relationship, and it is true! The most uplifting, empowering book on abuse I have ever read. This is a must have book for any relationship!