When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives

by Jane Adams

Book Overview

How do today's parents cope when the dreams we had for our children clash with reality? What can we do for our twenty- and even thirty-somethings who can't seem to grow up? How can we help our depressed, dependent, or addicted adult children, the ones who can't get their lives started, who are just marking time or even doing it? What's the right strategy when our smart, capable "adultolescents" won't leave home or come boomeranging back? Who can...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 074323281X
• ISBN13: 9780743232814
• Release Date: June 2004
• Publisher: Free Press
• Length: 224 Pages
• Weight: 0.48 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.6" x 5.4" x 8.5"

Customer Reviews

There's enough of us out there to write a book!

Reading this book was a great comfort to me. When moms at work pipe up about their kids great accomplishments its pretty hard to chime in that your kid is on probation for a felony for selling pot and on a tether for violating probabation and just lost his job because he falsified the time card at the pizza joint. Geez. We didn't want the world but give me a break! Jane takes the heat off and the guilt does ease a bit - this book has helped me love the prodigal son without paying his rent for him. Thanks Jane!

This Book Pierces the Veil

This was not a book I would have imagined myself having the guts or integrity to buy. It is not that I am in denial about my grown children but I am in denial about the energy I spend fretting over their adult lives. Buying this book at the recommendation of a friend was a leap - and one I am so pleased I had the gumption to do. Dr. Adams touches something here; I sense that a collective sigh is heaving its way from the huddled masses of parents like myself who cannot imagine how our grown kids have ended up with their current lives. We know there is a lot of this going around but perpective has proven uniquely hard to come by. I would have bet the mortgage I could not gain such piece of mind from a piece of non-fiction; I'd now be willing to bet most any so strung out mom or dad could not help but gain wonderfully cosmic hall passes through this painful corridor of regret, guilt and aging. Brava Jane Adams.

An important topic -- well-written, too!

I gave this book five stars because Adams offers a clear message on a vital topic that deserves more attention. I know at least three women who have entered therapy because they can't handle their grown children. One college graduate won't leave home or get a job. Another has been on drugs and a third was diagnosed as mentally ill. When I say, "Can't you just detach?" they say, "You have no kids -- just a dog. It's harder than you think."So I was happy to read the same message from Jane Adams, a social psychologist who's an expert. Take care of yourself, she urges parents. Set limits. We can only save ourselves. Parents who do too much are pleasing themselves, not the children. Their addiction, says Adams, is to the belief that anything can be fixed. In reality, "Parenthood is one long exercise in relinquishing control -- or the illusion that we ever had it. Postparenthood is about acceptance." Not all acceptance is about criminal activity or mental illness. Adams should be commended for recognizing that sometimes there's nothing to be shocked about. Most cults, she says, are fairly harmless, and sexual orientation is not a choice. Don't waste time trying to force changes. The style and structure of the book resemble an informal support group. Adams's style uses a lot of "We" sentences: "As parents, we..." After awhile, I found myself irritated, especially when I read something alone the lines of,. "As we get older, we are willing to accept lower-paying, less competitive jobs..." Who's this "we?" I certainly do not fit this pattern, nor do my contemporary-age friends.You'll find many stories from real parents with out-of-control adult children. While they held my attention, I kept waiting for more commentary. We (see, I'm doing it now!) buy books to gain expertise and information. For instance, the author talks about doing too much, but do some parents do too little? What happens when parents take a really hard line, demanding their children find their own jobs?More broadly, I wish the author had utilized more of her social psychology background. Life course research has been "hot" for sometime -- the theory that the year of our birth can influence an entire cohort. Does a particular generation face unique challenges? Are those challenges real? Many of my friends say, "Today it's hard for children to be on their own -- housing prices are high, jobs are scarce." But weren't housing prices always high, relative to starting salaries? On the other hand, what will happen to a generation of young people who graduate into a world of scarce jobs? And today's children may be more accustomed to luxurious homes. They want the luxuries their parents obtained after years of saving. Why? And what can be done about it? When one colleague said his kids won't move out, he admitted that each had a beautiful room with a cable television set as well as a computer. The maid did everyone's laundry and the wife cooked splendid meals. I asked him if he