When It's Time to Leave Your Lover: A Guide for Gay Men

by Neil Kaminsky

Book Overview

When It's Time to Leave Your Lover: A Guide for Gay Men is for people who need help ending a gay male relationship that is no longer viable or for friends and family who want to support a gay man... This description may be from another edition of this product.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 1560239387
• ISBN13: 9781560239383
• Release Date: September 1999
• Publisher: Routledge
• Length: 306 Pages
• Weight: 0.60 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.8" x 6.0" x 9.0"

Customer Reviews

Most useful

There is certainly no shortage of books dealing with breaking up with a partner. Since the majority of these books are pitched to a partner in a heterosexual relationship, including of course a married partner, this book fills a significant gap, beginning with the opening case study of a breakup between two long-time lovers that probably never would have occurred in quite this way in the heterosexual world. Early on in the book, author Neil Kaminsky asks the reader to examine reasons both in favor of and against splitting up. A number of reasons address the homophobia of today's world and how this homophobia creates pressures on a gay couple either to stay together or break up, depending on the particular circumstances and people involved. There is also a very valuable questionnaire to help the reader decide what is the proper course to take. The book by no means takes the tack that breaking up is always the best course, although of course it is ultimately written to the one who comes to the conclusion that breaking up is the appropriate action. The book goes on to discuss means of putting proper closure on the relationship, first citing several examples of partners ending relationships with little or in some cases no closure. I'm not certain I agree with his advice that several discussions may be needed, as I personally believe that most of it can be handled it a single thorough discussion and that prolonging the discussions will mostly serve to create false hope in the former partner. Kaminsky goes on to discuss some of the pain, both internal and societally imposed, that is going to result from the breakup. Some of the most valuable, albeit short, sections of the book have to do with leaving a partner who is chemically addicted and physically abusive, noting that these two things often go hand-in-hand and that such relationships can literally kill the victim of the abuse. Particularly striking is the sentence (which I'm quoting from memory here, although I think it's pretty accurate) "Either the problem, the relationship or you end." Throughout the book, the author avoid a "one-size-fits-all" approach. Thus, when he talks about creating an "ex-relationship" with the former partner, he acknowledges that in certain cases, once again mostly having to do with chemical dependency and physical abuse, such an ex-relationship should be avoided at all costs. From there, Kaminsky goes on to discuss the rebound relationship which is almost always doomed to failure. The concluding chapters put the final cap on things by discussing the lessons to be learned from the former relationship, and how to start over again. I found, certainly not because of any flaw in the book itself, some sections to be more helpful than others. Having recently ended a relationship that involved (surprise) alcohol and drug dependency and physical abuse on the part of my partner, I read those five or six pages scattered throughout the book over and over again.

EXTREMELY COMFORTING. Cheesy cover.

Last month I went through a breakup with my lover. Beforehand I picked up this book and it has been extremely helpful in coming to terms with the breakup and how to handle the aftermath. Sometimes when you are going through something so painful it is difficult to see the big picture. You let your emotions get the best of you. My advice is to keep this book on you (in your briefcase or bag) and keep reading it as you go through the breakup. Now that it is a month after the breakup this book continues to help me cope and maintain my original vision. It will help you deal with beginning your life again as a single man. It has helped me avoid common mistakes one makes when they are vulnerable and upset (going out too soon, partying, trying to be friends too soon). All of this is included. A great resource even with the cheesy cover. Good luck to you if you are going through this. It is tough but worth it! You may also want to read Coming Apart by Daphne Rose Kingma.

Great advice

This book helped me immensely when it came time to part ways with my boyfriend. It's really geared toward people who know they want out of a problematic relationship, but are having difficulty owning up to their feelings. Kaminsky explains why wanting to be happy should not make readers feel guilty, helps identify the factors that contribute to troubled relationships, and shows readers how to avoid repeating their relationship mistakes in the future. The tone is hopeful and Kaminsky is an incredibly engaging writer, informal without over-simplifying. I recommend it without reservation!

When is it Time to Leave Your Lover

This book is incredibly useful,VERY well written with caring, meaningful(even humorous situational examples at times), it's examples are thoughtful & at times difficult, but with helpful questions. About the first 1/3 helps one reassess compatibility; next 1/3 how to separate or breakup with civility {including dealings with friends & family}; and lastly offers hope/suggestions for how to re-establish one's life again with tips how not to get caught in rebound relationships; suggestions for how to rebuild yourself, your interests, believe in your strengths & others; and how to grow and learn - even from being alone with your self which is different from being lonely. I highly recommend it. I wish it was reviewed more prominently by the gay press. It's a SUPERB resource for HOPE, ENCOURAGEMENT & Help! It also has a thorough reference/referral list.