When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope--Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy

by Manuel J. Smith

Book Overview

The best-seller that helps you say: "I just said 'no' and I don't feel guilty " Are you letting your kids get away with murder? Are you allowing your mother-in-law to impose her will on you? Are you embarrassed by praise or crushed by criticism? Are you having trouble coping with people? Learn the answers in When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, the best-seller with revolutionary new techniques for getting your own way.

• Format: Mass Market Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0553263900
• ISBN13: 9780553263909
• Release Date: March 1981
• Publisher: Bantam
• Length: 352 Pages
• Weight: 0.43 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.0" x 4.2" x 6.8"

Customer Reviews

The best I have seen

This is the most organized, reasonable and best of all the books I have seen. Smith is still great!

Useful and practical

Dr. Manuel J. Smith takes the assertive principles laid down in his national best-seller WHEN I SAY NO I FEEL GUILTY and applies them to the work and business world. He shows conflicts from the viewpoint of both the employer and employee, from worker to manager alike. It's not about bullying people to get our own way but rather about making your needs known and working through the problems that are bound to come up in any shop or office. I particularly like his definition of "manipulation:" it is when people try to reduce our ability to be our own judge, especially by trying to make us feel guilty, anxious or ignorant. He then gives some verbal techniques to help us handle ourselves while making our needs known. The value of this book goes far beyond the office or factory. I read a lot of inspirational and self-help books, and this is one that I read over a lot of times to reinforce the principles. Contrary to a popular misunderstanding of assertiveness, it does not have to make us meaner or more aggressive -- at times it can even make us nicer, since we don't have to resort to aggression and meanness to get what we want. Even if you haven't read WHEN I SAY NO I FEEL GUILTY, you will still finish this book knowing exactly what Dr. Smith is talking about. As mentioned in another review on this page, a lot of the material in this book is covered in his (unfortunately) out of print book YES, I CAN SAY NO which aims at teaching assertive principles to children. So if you have that one, some of what is in this one would be a bit (but not completely) repititious. However, this book is a valuable resource for how to act on the job, and I can't recommend it highly enough for us "grown kids."

Learn assertiveness skills with this excellent manual.

I am a psychologist working in a college counseling center, and this is the number one book on assertiveness that I recommend to my clients. Dr. Smith begins by describing "Your 10 Assertive Rights," a reminder that we all have a right do such human things as say "I don't know" and change our minds. He then introduces various assertiveness strategies one by one, starting with the very basic skill of persistence (AKA the "broken record" technique). For each strategy, Dr. Smith presents a short dialogue vignette to help you better understand how to apply that technique to real life. Once he has thoroughly taught all of the individual techniques, Dr. Smith puts them all together and addresses assertiveness in different types of situations--ie, with your family members versus with your boss. This is a great book for anyone who is tired of not being able to say "no" and ready to learn how to change their behavior.

The power and self-confidence you will gain is great, but...

This is one of the best books I've read in a long, long time. Granted, I don't read books very often, but this is exactly why. There are a lot of books that are all hype and wind up not being as helpful as they seemed originally. This book is definitely an exception. It will effectively teach you how to cope with criticism, deal with manipulative people, and be more persistent in every day interactions so you can really get across what you want.You should keep in mind that the goal here is not getting your way. The goal is to effectively communicate your needs directly. Some of the techniques are a bit harsh, and while they may work well on salespeople and customer service, you should not directly apply those to your spouse. But the book does have a section on coping with manipulation from a close relative, and how you need to soften your technique a bit, because so many more feelings are involved. Not only does the book teach you assertiveness, but it gives you the skills needed to help others become more assertive so they don't manipulate you as easily and as often as they would normally. This is particularly helpful with close relationships (siblings, spouse, parents, etc.).If you feel you're being walked on or your needs aren't being met by the people around you, you need this book. Add it to your collection and you'll learn a lot about yourself and about people in general. I've already noticed subtle differences in me, and I feel a great deal more empowered than I used to be.

The Most Useful Book That I Have Ever Read

Many years have passed since I first bought and read Dr. Smith's revolutionary book. I have never found any techniques so universally applicable for dealing with people who don't care about fairness or my feelings. I have successfully used the broken record and fogging techniques to deal with manipulative relatives who want to tell me what to do "to help me" and self-disclosure and the broken record to convince store employees to accept back defective merchandise even if their store policy "doesn't allow" them to do this! This book taught me how to stand up for myself and stop trying to solve everyone else's problems (the store's agreement with a manufacturer or distributor)and focus on getting what I have paid for. I am smiling as I write this because I have just returned from a trip to a major toy retailer whose store manager refused to take back a defective stroller "because you don't have the box." Needless to say, after using Dr. Smith's methods, the manager gave me full credit on my credit card within fifteen minutes. I never needed to become unpleasant or raise my voice. Dr. Smith should be cannonized by the "doormats" of the world. You will be doing yourself a favor if you buy this book!