When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse

by Lundy Bancroft

Book Overview

Written by a therapist who specializes in abusive men, this guide reveals how abusers interact with and manipulate children--and how mothers can help their children recover from the trauma of witnessing abuse. Can my partner abuse me and still be a good parent? Should I stay with my partner for my children's sake? How should I talk to my children about the abuse and help them heal? Am I a bad mother? Mothers in physically or emotionally abusive relationships...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0425200310
• ISBN13: 9780425200315
• Release Date: March 2005
• Publisher: Berkley Books
• Length: 384 Pages
• Weight: 0.93 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.0" x 6.0" x 9.0"
• Age Range: 18 years and up
• Grade Range: Postsecondary and higher

Customer Reviews

An excellent book

This book should be read by every family therapist, as it provides insights into how abusive partners manipulate not only their own families but also therapists and the legal system to maintain power and control over partners and children. This book is much more than another set of anecdotes.

When Dad Hurts Mom

This is an excellent book. It's informative, but very sensitive. I would highly recommend it to any moms out there that are being abused in any way, shape or form. Especially if you don't feel your kids are being affected by you being abused. Because guess what?! They are!

Finally! Moms are saved!

I'm 5 years out of my marriage but my husband finally succeeded in getting my grown children to treat me without respect when I worked out of the country for a year. Little by little he talked me down, made fun of me, got them to belittle me - until when I came home, and they did the same to my face, I had PTSD flashbacks of his abuse of me. I wound up on a crisis hotline and this book was recommended to me. My desperate cry was, When is it going to end? Will I die or get a terminal illness from stress before he leaves me alone? How do I get my babies back? And why aren't there laws against this and legal recourse for us moms? This book explained that he would never quit trying to redeem himself for his abusive actions (both physical and emotional) by casting blame and doubt on me. He would try to ruin my reputation, ruin my health - do ANYthing to ultimately "WIN". These guys don't care about "fair", they don't care about "truth", they don't care about anyone in the world but themselves, Bancroft makes us to understand. And, he informed me, they WILL try to turn your children - the ones YOU raised, loved and gave up your whole youth for - against you. But, he says, don't worry because they will see him for what he is in time. He spares no words describing these hard-core domestic criminals. He is appalled by their lack of morals and conscience and his heart is with the mother who must struggle against an appalling lack of laws to protect families from abusive men. This is a must-read for any woman with children still in or finally out of an abusive marriage. He covers the prejudice in the laws, the judges, the lawyers and how the whole male-worshipping world has made the life of female and child victims of abuse difficult. And then he gives you tips on how to conquer this situation. I hear Bancroft is now running from state to state to try to reform the laws. Everyone should read this book and follow his advice and lend their support. Our children aren't safe - and our women certainly are NOT liberated - as long as the laws remain as they are. We need: strict laws against ALL abuse with HEAVY penalties, laws providing recourse to SUE FOR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL DAMAGES, laws that guarantee lifetime alimony to provide men with incentive to participate in the success of their marriages (something women's lib has been working to get rid of so that we must work even with children), child support laws that give children their mother, so a woman can leave an abusive marriage without destroying the children in the poverty that ensues today. Women's standard of living drops and men's goes up some 40% after divorce! Thanks, Lundy. I hope I get to meet you in the crusade!

For those new to the subject, it is great!

I work in a family violence prevention agency and hear women frequently say, "He treats me horribly but he's a great dad." This book uses research and 16 years experience to show how children raised in this environment are negatively affected by the abuse and that the abuser is not a "great dad." The author focuses less on the overt abuse and more on the atmosphere created by the dynamics of abuse with the effects on children. It is a wonderful guide for people debating whether or not to leave and how to mitigate the effects of the abuse for those who choose not to leave.

A wonderful resource for moms.

An easy to read book with a wealth of valuable information. It is an excellent book for parents who have been involved with controlling partners or anyone who works with families. The book gives a detailed description of how batterers affect the children with whom they live. Bancroft's book offers parents user friendly ideas for helping their children heal after being exposed to a partner who physically or emotionally batters. Bancroft offers an options based model that recognizes the parent knows the batterer the best and she is the best person to support her children.