What Really Works with Men: Solve 95% of Your Relationship Problems (And Cope with the Rest)

by A. Justin Sterling

Book Overview

Argues that women are the more socially advanced sex and are totally responsible for the success of relationships, and gives women advice on lowering their expectations of men.

• Format: Mass Market Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0446364398
• ISBN13: 9780446364393
• Release Date: January 1993
• Publisher: Warner Books (NY)
• Length: 10 Pages
• Weight: 0.30 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.8" x 4.2" x 6.8"

Customer Reviews

This book saved my future!

I hated this book at first when I read it. Women all want men to make sense (to our way of thinking)so we can get along with them like we do with our girlfriends. Not happening. Frustrated? Then we need to learn to respect men for who they are, and how they are naturally. Sure, we grate on each other from time to time, but that's natural because we are, in some ways, essentially different in our viewpoints, emotional lives, strategies, and how to reach our goals. But the beauty comes when a woman can be herself and allow her man to be himself. If you want to learn to have a successful living, breathing, ongoing relationship with a man, then learn how men work. Stop trying to see them through women's eyes. Forget what you've heard. Learn who they are, and it will work much better. Sure, I wish men read relationship books more often, but it's rare. Men just want to be themselves -- don't you? So let's stop trying to change them. The surest way to kill a relationship with a man is to ask him to change, because he'll feel like you don't love him for who he is. And he would be right. But a good man will naturally adjust and make changes if he feels he is loved, and if he is the kind of man who wants to keep his relationship strong. And why wouldn't he, if he is happy and feels safe with you. We always have to battle the experience men have had with their mothers, as often mothers don't let their boys be who they are, since it doesn't fit the ways they want to do things. If you get classified as being like that, it's all over. Read the book, please, and then decide for yourself. But promise yourself you'll read the whole thing through, even if the book gets torn by your throwing it against the wall repeatedly. Truth isn't always pretty, but it sure helps.

Are you a winner or a loser in the man department???

I saw A. Justin Sterling on Donahue, and he ticked me off. He offended me. I was carrying the burden of the whole relationship, and my man was shutting me down. Sterling said that it was my fault. That I was responsible for the relationship. Typical. I read the book. OK. I'll do it. I was ready to try something new. Something beyond "I am woman, hear me roar." I opened my mind. Oh, and I bathed in mega doses of humility. Sterling goes a little far in his examples, but scored points after I tried some of the techniques. During my single years,I had my fair share of dates, proposals, etc. It's one thing to get a man. But it is another thing to get deeper into the relationship and not fizzle out. Get beyond the stand-off, communication failure and emotional shut down. The cycle of fighting and withholding.The answer is not to discard and then go and find a wimpy, pansy-fied, "sensitive" & Kleenex-toting 90's (er, "NEW MILLENIUM") kinda guy. The libbers would have you find a euneuch and discard that macho man. Sterling intimates that you can reach the greatness deep within the man you have if you will stop manipulating, stop whining, stop controlling, stop nagging, and try to be sweet. Be kind. Appreciative. Be a loving human being instead of a shrew. Be the kind of person you knew you had to be to snag the guy in the first place. (or...the kind of person that you thought that you would be to convince him to choose you so that you could change him into something better, right?) Sterling insinuates that a real man wants a real woman, not a hard, masculine, nagging Jezebel. That is what the Woman's Liberation Movement has produced. A bunch of Hillary Clintons and Janet Reno types who despise men at their core. The NOW gang would have you to believe that Sterling is saying that you must be subservient and submissive, and not a strong woman. This is nonsense. It takes a strong woman of character to love unconditionally. Men respond to sweetness and kindness, and they resist being manipulated. Plain and simple. If you want to heap coals upon a man's head when he's been a bad boy, be sweet to him when he doesn't deserve it. He may not react instantly, but know in your heart that it's messing with him internally. Even more, Sterling is saying that you can actually motivate him to greatness if you understand what fuel to put in his tank.There are women who are not necessarily the most beautiful who know how to find and hold the key to a man's heart. They know how to use honey instead of vinegar to get what they need in a relationship [and they have ultimate dignity, integrity and a gentle beauty in the process]. Many women who have reviewed this book have said that they read it over and over. THE REASON: It is a process to apply the truths because it goes against the grain. You cannot hold onto pride. It is easier to judge the man, to condemn him and remain bitter that he doesn't do enough or care enough. There are women who just have that "je ne sa

If you want to benefit, keep an open mind

Keep an open mind and you will get a lot out of this book. I misinterpreted what Justin was saying at first but then I realized that what he says makes sense. And I've never gotten along better with my boyfriend than I do now. Not because I'm subsurvient to him... I'm not subservient at all. Because now I know how to do what works. It seems to me that most people who criticize this book have either not made it through the entire thing or they've prejudged it and closed themselves off. The author does not say to date some jerk and let him have his way, he says to choose who you're going to spend your life with wisely and once you've chosen (someone who has the qualities you value most), do what works. I think if we took the labels "man" and "woman" off and named the people he's describing something innocuous like "Mary" and "Laura," people would be less reactive about what he's saying. I've heard people criticize the fact that you are asked to stroke your man's ego. Now, what's wrong with that? What if he suggested that "Laura" stroke "Mary"s ego... our feminist tendencies wouldn't be offended and we would realize that, yes, this would be helpful to a relationship. Psychologists say that praise when someone does something right is much more effective than punishment when they do "wrong." Positive reinforcement. This is what Sterling is suggesting. When you give this, you get much in return. I could go on and on but the point is, don't close off your mind. If you'd like to get something from this book, don't prejudge. As to critics of Justin Sterling's weekend seminars, regardless of whether or not it's up your alley, the Women's Weekend is not a cult. I'm not saying everyone should rush out and register but I do feel that it's unfair to slap harsh labels on something you may not know much about or to listen to rumor or hype. It's easy to misinterpret when you're only looking at a tiny piece of the whole or when you haven't experienced something for yourself. The weekend works for some, it may not be for others, just like anything. Simple as that.

I use this book constantly in my relationship

I have been happily married for 15 years now. My relationship has survived infertility, the birth of our child, sickness, boredom, and every other little thing that goes wrong in a normal long-term exclusive relationship. Every time my husband and I get into a fight, I read this book. It was highly recommended to me by a friend. I read this book and I look at our relationship and I stop being mad. Thank God this book shows me how some other women live!Every rule in the book I break. All the time. I win arguments (when I am right). I get my way (sometimes). I expect my husband to change his annoying habits (and I change mine). I don't lose games (on purpose). We compete (sometimes). I don't flatter him (but I do tell him the truth if he looks good). I do tell him when he does something wrong or hurtful (and if he has shone). I expect him to be there for me emotionally, when I need him (I am there for him). I expect him to talk to me (as well as give non-verbal cues). I tell him what I like in bed, and expect him to give it to me (and vice versa). I don't give in (but I see his point sometimes). I have high self-esteem (Sterling assumes all women don't). I believe that my husband doesn't merely re-act to me, but acts as well. And I don't sacrifice anything I believe in for the 'long term good of my relationship'. Short-term arguments are the whetstone which keeps our relationship well honed. I treat this relationship the way my mother handled hers (51 years married) and my Grandmother (67 years married) and I expect our daughter to do the same.Sterling is right in some things. You can't expect a relationship to make you happy, only happier. You can't put people down and ridicule them and still have them enjoy being with you. You can't ignore personality flaws until after you get married. That's about it.PS: There is no such thing as the Law of Electrodynamics. I'm married to a chemist. He should know. Sterling (which is not his real name) has also messed up the definition of 'Ego'. And 'commit'.

Do it! It works!!!

If you remember that the title is not "What you would really LIKE to have work with men" then you will find yourself in possesion of the most valuable relationship book I have ever read. Having done Justin's Women's Weekend, this book helps to keep alive all of his "tricks" to make your relationship healthy and loving. There maybe times when you want to throw the book across the room because you do not like what he says, but that is usually because it is true. What works with men is not always fair, but it does work. The other great thing about this book is how clear Justin is about the importance of self-acceptance, trusting appropriately and getting solid, loving support from women so that you can take the risks you need to have a healthy relationship. No men bashing here! And if you do like it... find a way to do the Women's Weekend. It is a truly powerful experience for starting on an amazing journey filled with love and purpose.