They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life

by Oliver James

Book Overview

In this groundbreaking book, clinical psychologist Oliver James shows that it is the way we were cared for in the first six years of life that has a crucial effect on who we are and how we behave.

In this groundbreaking book, clinical psychologist Oliver James shows that it is the way we were cared for in the first six years of life that has a crucial effect on who we are and how we behave. Nurture, in effect, shapes our very nature...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 1569243239
• ISBN13: 9781569243237
• Release Date: December 2005
• Publisher: Da Capo Lifelong Books
• Length: 416 Pages
• Weight: 0.90 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.1" x 5.8" x 8.1"

Customer Reviews

Really thought-provoking

Read three-quarters of it in a holiday cottage and stupidly left it behind when we left. Captivating - I kept thinking of people I know and saying 'Yes! That explains a lot!' Wanted to re-find it and finish it ever since. Well-written, easy to dip into sections rather than read from start to finish but I intend to do just that next time.

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aside from the section on attachment patterns i found this book interesting more for the questions it raised than the answers it provided. the main thing i got from this book is giving up my assumption that everyone else basically views things the same way i do and i just need to find the right approach to get them to realize it or admit it. the way the author puts people into categories correlates more with reality as i've experienced it than the previous assumptions i had do. if you've spent a lot of time trying to get people to realize or admit that they view things the same way you do, and thinking that you just need to find the right approach to get them to realize or admit it (this seems to be the basis for most arguments), this book might help you realize that there is no right approach because most people are not as fundamentally similar to you as you think.

This Book Made Me More Forgiving

I am not an academic, but I am interested in what makes people tick. This book has helped me to see another side and helped me to understand my friends more than any other book has. I LOVE THIS BOOK!! Although a little dry, I learnt something new on every page. Interestingly, I found myself more accepting and more forgiving of those who I was struggling with. What I was looking for was an excuse to dump these 'difficult' people. Instead, this book helped me to foster better relationships through deeper understanding. What made me read this book? The title. I saw the title and I burst into laughter. (The title refers to a poem by Philip Larkin.) I have recommended this book to all my friends because it has come the closest to explaining why I am who I am and why they are who they are. He is the only author I have ever read who explains why parents are different with every child they have. I have witnessed this, I have lived this, but parents will always go to great pains to tell you that they treat their children exactly the same way. RUBBISH!! Read this book just for that. Just read this book, it is a real eye opener.

They F*** You Up

Do relationships tend to follow the same destructive pattern? Do you feel trapped by your family's expectations of you? Does your life seem overwhelmingly governed by jealousy or competitiveness or lack of confidence? Current fashion holds that this is all down to genes - we are the victims of what we inherit, and can do little to change that. But in this groundbreaking book, clinical psychologist Oliver James shows that, more than genes, it is the way we were cared for in the first six years of life that has a crucial effect on who we are and how we behave. The legacy of this early care is lifelong and startingly far-reaching. Through case histories and his own wide-ranging research, James reveals that childhood experience dominates our choice of friends and lovers, defines our interests and professional drive, and even determines how prone we might be to emotional and mental problems. The influence of the formative years, James contends, actually affects the development of our brains, moulding their chemistry and patterns of electrical messages. Nurture, in effect, shapes our very nature. In vivid, accessible prose, James combines the latest scientific study with revealing interviews with, among others, Stephen Fry, and Jeffrey Archer, and he explores the psychobiographies of the likes of Woody Allen, Mia Farrow and Prince Charles. They F*** You Up shows that understanding your past is the first step to controlling your present. To this end, each chapter includes a searching questionaire that enables you to perform as 'emotional audit' and become more aware of your role in your own unique family drama. They F*** You Up is a vital, challenging book offering compelling insights into how childhood experience provides the key to personality. --- from book's back cover.

Captivating

They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life has been a captivating read for me. This book questions the all too simple "gene approach" in explaining what makes up a person's personality, how we interact with others in society and our current life situation. James has vividly illustrated by referring to a great number of studies that the care we receive as children correlates with how apt we are in successfully integrating into society and how likely we are to live rich and fulfilling lives. The identical twin studies, inmate studies and discussed examples of the latter that James provide in his book were the most revealing to me and greatly support his nurture vs nature standpoint. His very relevant discussions of attachment theory, conscience and sense of self tie in well for a greater understanding of personality shaping and our patterns of behavior and perhaps outlook on life that tend to become engrained into our brains from early infancy. This revelation of course gives reason for hope in that our brains are malleable and that with therapy reversal of damage is possible. Anyone with a curiousity for learning about personality shaping, anyone thinking of raising children or those already parents would benefit from reading this book.