The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents

by Alexander Levy

Book Overview

This "wise and caring book" (Library Journal) is a guide to understanding and coping with grief and all of the disorienting emotions that accompany the death of our parents.
Losing our parents when we ourselves are adults is in the natural order of things, a rite of passage into true adulthood. But whether we lose them suddenly or after a prolonged illness, and whether we were close to or estranged from them, this passage proves...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0738203610
• ISBN13: 9780738203614
• Release Date: October 2000
• Publisher: Da Capo Lifelong Books
• Length: 208 Pages
• Weight: 0.51 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.6" x 5.3" x 8.3"

Customer Reviews

Keep Tissues Handy

I was skimming the stacks in the Grief section when "The Orphaned Adult" caught my eye. What a cold, harsh title, I thought - yet I was compelled to read it. Until then, I'd never come across a book written specifically for those who have lost both parents, and it was good to see that someone had finally addressed this life-changing event. What took so long? Based on its unparalleled impact, and the fact that nearly everyone experiences it, you'd think there'd be a slew of books written on the subject. But there isn't. Levy addresses this scarcity early on by referring to society's impatience with adults who are grieving the loss of an elderly parent. It's two weeks, then get over it. After all, it's the natural order of things. Levy is the revisionist of that theory. Having gone through the experience himself, he knew firsthand that society - and the literary world - was selling it short and decided to do something about it. By writing this book, he makes a persuasive case that the loss of both parents - and along with them, our place called home - is a monumental event that deserves more discussion, exploration, and patience. The book is a treasure. The author has a wonderful writing style that gives you the sense he is beside you, at eye level, confiding in you. He gently guides you through the minefield of parental loss, attempting to describe, explain, and make sense of some of the most difficult emotions you will ever know. At the end of each chapter are beautiful, poignant poems written by real people in tribute to the parents they've lost. One of the best features of the book is that, as a psychologist who is himself an adult orphan, Levy is able to write both as a victim and as a learned observer. He's able to share his own grief experiences alongside those of his orphaned adult patients. It is this melding - of his first-person accounts as a son, husband, father, and brother, with his clients' stories and his professional observations of them - that gives the book an extra dimension and makes it more rewarding than most. For those of you who've lost both parents and are struggling with the aftermath - processing the grief, regaining an identity, facing your own mortality - you'll find much to relate to in this book. This is a highly emotional read, especially for the bereaved, and a box of tissues should be kept handy. But while it may evoke tears, it also brings comfort that someone has at last recognized the unique issues, perspectives, and concerns of the orphaned adult. Levy has brought them out of the shadows and into the light, and has made the case for all of us that two weeks is not nearly enough.

A "MUST READ" for every parentless adult...

I read, in practically one sitting, "The Orphaned Adult." Not only does the author share his own insight, he has gleaned stories from many other people -- some patients (he's a psychologist) -- some friends. The anxiety and fears I have lived with since my Mom died 21 years ago (when I was a young adult) are discussed in the book. The book addresses each individual loss and the fact that losing the surviving parent causes you to experience the loss of the first parent all over again. That happened to me when my father passed away four years ago. So much is talked about in the book that I have never talked about with anyone. It was comforting to know that many of my thoughts and feelings are common among other people with similar experiences. It's the only book I have ever read that is so specific to my feelings and experiences. Yet, it was not the type of book that you cry all the way through. It was like sitting down with a close friend who has also lost their parents and just pouring your heart out. Every "orphaned adult" should read this today and send it to other "orphans" they know and love.

A wonderful, thoughtful book

This is a truly amazing book on the subject of parental loss. In the aftermath of my parents' deaths, I have read nearly all of the "parental loss" books out there, and this is by far the best. Although I am unusually young (28) to have lost both parents, although mine passed in an unusual manner (together, in a car accident), and although my relationship with them was closer than many people's (I am an only child who spoke to both of my parents every day) -- all things which tend to distance my experience from those of others', including the authors of most books on this subject -- Levy's book spoke to me tenderly, honestly, and universally. Levy insightfully and compassionately explores not only the intensity of grief wrought by the loss of one's parents, but also what such loss means in terms of an adult child's identity, how it impacts one's interactions with other loved ones and friends, and how it can impact one's religious beliefs. He also discusses techniques for getting through grief, and even includes a section on ongoing relationships with parents following their death (whether it be through visitations or conscious rituals). This is a heartfelt book that I will return to again and again. I can't recommend it enough, really.

Thank You, Dr. Levy

This book is a gift. I was orphaned as an adult 4 years ago when I lost my parents within 3 months of each other. I picked myself up, dusted myself off and went on with my life. Why? Because that is what society expected me to do. Because mourning for a parent shouldn't last over 2 weeks...after all everyone's parents die, so what's your problem. Well my problem was that I lost the two people in the world who loved me more than life. The two people who were always there. The two people who called me their daughter and now....I'm no one's daughter. Part of my own existence died when they did.Dr Levy's book puts in perspective my pain. Even though life does go on there isn't a day that passes without mourning for what is lost. This book made me realize that grief doesn't just go away nor should it. I now understand that my longing for my parents is healthy and okay. And for this understanding I am very grateful. Thank you again, Dr. Levy

I Am Not Alone.

My father passed away over ten years ago. My mother passed away two years ago. In fact, I just celebrated the two year anniversary on February 9, 2000 dedicating an organization to her.I have felt this immense emptiness since my mom's passing and felt that I must be losing my mind because no one else seemed to be having as hard a time as I am dealing with her death, nor do friends (those who have lost a parent and those who have not) seem to understand my grief. I have always said to myself that I was an orphan, but never thought to mention that to others for fear that they would think I was crazy since I'm 41 years old. Since I began reading The Orphaned Adult, I now realize I'm not alone in how I'm dealing with my grief and that there is no time table as to how long I should grieve nor is there any proper or improper behavior for grieving. I am or have experienced nearly everything talked about in the book, especially the change in relationships. It just makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not losing my mind. Thank you, Mr. Levy, for writing this book. I too had thought of writing something, but your book covers everything.