Stepwives: 10 Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Stepmothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First

by Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood, Marjorie Krausz, Louise Oxhorn

Stepwives: (n) (1) ex-wife and current wife to the same man, mother and stepmother to the same children; (2) women destined to battle for the love and control of their families...until now Lynne and Louise were stepwives for ten years. While they managed a barely civil relationship, each was seething with anger on the inside. It all boiled over in an ugly scene on the day Lynne saw that Louise was wearing shoes identical to her own favorite pair,...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0743222466
• ISBN13: 9780743222464
• Release Date: May 2002
• Publisher: Atria Books
• Length: 288 Pages
• Weight: 0.60 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.7" x 5.8" x 8.4"

Customer Reviews

TheStepfamilyLife - Review of Step-Wives

Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood and Louise Oxhorn were the best of enemies for ten years. Then they learned how to put the struggle behind them and unite for the sake of raising a great kid. Dubbed the original "co-Mamas," Lynne and Louise write from experience about their struggles to understand, communicate and get along. They partnered with family therapist Marjorie Vego-Krausz to assemble this book and their ten step program for moving your stepwife relationship beyond antagonism.One of the things that I liked about this book is that it pointed out - in glaring honesty - the natural hostility found in the stepmother/ex-wife relationship. So often many of us, bruised by awkwardness, just don't want to admit that we are two women trying to share a space originally carved out for one. So we dance politely sidestep the true issues, all the while misunderstanding what the other says and layering onto our relationships years of acrimony and pain. Louise and Lynne describe the turf battles familiar to many stepmoms and ex-wives. Lynne is the ex-wife of Greg - Louise is the woman who replaced Lynne. Lynne describes going into a rage when Louise would volunteer at school with her son Evan's class. Lynne recalls feeling like Louise was just waiting "to pounce" on her and reclaim her old life. How can the two get along? The first thing the authors do is offer some subtle vocabulary switches. Let's be honest - when you hear the words ex-wife and stepmom together in a sentence your first thought is cat fight. "Step-wife" is a term coined for the book and used interchangeably for both stepmoms and ex-wives when both are being discussed together. So how do the "step-wives" keep the peace? According to these former family warmongers, it's not easy to bury the hatchet and get along, but they've devised a ten-step plan (known by the acronym PRESCRPTON) that can yield results:P - Put the kids first.R - Respect each other.E - Empathize and acknowledge feelings.S - Set limits and boundaries.C - Claim your own baggage.R - Remember realistic expectations.P - Problem-solve.T - Talk and communicate effectively.O - Organize consistently.N - Nurture yourself.PRESCRPTON may seem simplistic, and the actual chapter space devoted to explaining it is fairly limited. However, the authors draw together several topics affecting stepmother and ex-wives and explain how to apply PRESCRPTON to real-life situations. They cover some of the most sticky subjects common to stepfamilies - telling your stepchildren when a new baby is on the way, deciding if an ex should attend the funeral of an in-law, dealing with drug abuse or mental illness, and sorting out disciplinary differences between households.Suggestions on how to get along and draw boundaries will be much appreciated by stepfamilies trying to delineate roles. They recommend at least a "basic 5" for interaction between step-wives at public events. The "basic 5" are: (1) smile, (2) make eye contact, (3) say "hello, _______(her name),"

Real Eye Opener

This book really changed my life. I could relate with the birthmother on so many levels and felt emphathy for the stepmother. It really opened my eyes and showed me what I was doing that I never thought was wrong. After reading the book I've learned alot about myself and about my stepwife. Thanks to "Stepwives: Ten Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Step-Mothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First" I now have a positive relationship with my daughter's stepmother. After reading the book I purchased another copy for my daughter's stepmom and sent it to her. We met for a lunch meeting shortly after we had both read "Stepwives". What an amazing 360 turn our relationship has taken.

Stepwives practically saved my life!!

I can't even tell you how much my life has been a huge, huge struggle since my marriage to a man with an ex-wife and children. This book has become my refuge, my support. I take comfort in the fact that I'm going through the same thing others have gone through. Not only am I not alone, I am working the program and I can honestly say it works. And you can work it alone. In changing my behavior I have changed the way my stepwife respondes to me, my husband and me co-parenting her children. This book is exactly what the modern world of mixed marriages needs! Kids from divorced families often have problems in school, life, relationships, etc., and although "put the kids first" sounds common sensical, it's really not, because I know from experience we get so wrapped up in our own issues that the kids' needs are accidentally neglected. I've already noticed a difference in my stepchildrens attitudes and I think this will really help them with their futures. Conflicts will arise, especially in my situation, but illustrating for children how to manage and be civil and get along with those who have been basic enemies for years will teach them more valuable a lesson than parents who stay together fighting. I am so thankful for this book. If you're a stepwive or someone you know is, you will benefit from this book!

Honest and funny

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "what does a guy know about being a wife or an ex-wife?". And that's a valid question. Before I read this book I can honestly say that I didn't know much. Now, well, now I'd say I have a little more insight, and what's most surprising is that the insight was painless to achieve. The book is written in a simple style that is as touching as it is accessible. These women take situations that are rife with conflict, from the wedding day that seals their fates to a simple matter of two women wearing the same shoes. Each delivers her side of the story so directly that you can't help but feel that in every situation they are both absolutely right. This is the center of drama, the baseline of comedy, and simply often a fact of life. And this truth is the heart of the book, and only possible because both of these authors believe that in any situation they both can be right. One person being right does not make the other person automatically wrong. This knowledge has infused these women with the power to work together to bring their story to the rest of us, but they don't leave it at that. The book offers exercises, quizzes, and a practical approach to making the "step-wife" relationship less volatile. I enjoyed reading this book, and I would recommend it not only to those who find themselves in a step-wife relationship, but also to those who wish to understand one of them. Because, guys, if you're like me, you can go from zero to fifty with one book and understanding what's going on around you will help you make life easier on yourself. And ladies, even if only one step-wife does these exercises, Oxhorn and Oxhorn-Ringwood promise that results will come, maybe not as quickly as if both step-wives participated, but they will come. After what I've read of these women, I, for one, believe them.

Excellent resource for biomoms and stepmoms alike

What a wonderfully insightful book! I had to laugh out loud several times at the stories and emotions I could relate to that I now know were irrational and unacceptable, though not necessarily abnormal! Sure wish I'd had this valuable resource a decade ago when it might have inspired a positive change that would have benefited my family sooner rather than later.I found this book to be an incredible tool in helping me to understand myself and my actions within the biomom role as well as encouraging compassion for those in the role of stepmom. I think both roles are wrought with difficulty, confusion and the tendency to overstep each other's boundaries, but by using the recipe suggested in the book personal growth is inevitable...success and an end to the war between biomom and stepmom is possible.