So Why Have You Never Been Married?: 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn't Wed

By Carl Weisman and M.S. Carl Weisman

There are many familiar misconceptions about unmarried men over 40: that middle-aged bachelors disdain the institution of marriage, take obsessive pride in their single status, and balk at the thought of having children or being tied down. This book compiles interview responses from over 1,500 unmarried, middle-aged men, dispelling these myths and re-examining popular notions about long-term bachelors.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0882823264
• ISBN13: 9780882823263
• Release Date: April 2008
• Publisher: New Horizon Press
• Length: 258 Pages
• Weight: 0.70 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.7" x 6.0" x 8.2"

Customer Reviews

A landmark study of the rational reasons why men choose to not marry

The question of the title is one that most forever single persons of both sexes must hear on a regular basis, at least from people comfortable enough with them to ask it. In this book Weisman reports on the in-depth interviews he conducted with 33 men who have never been married. This group was randomly extracted from an original group of over 1,000. The results are illuminating, a common notion would be that they would either be playboys, men who want to play the field and bed as many women as possible or men who simply lack the social graces to ever be able to convince a woman to marry them. That is not the case; the men are generally very serious and psychologically normal men who have made rational decisions not to get married. Nearly all have had some form of serious relationship and approximately ten percent have at least one child. The majority has had at least one cohabitation relationship and a lot were engaged at least once. The reasons they give for not having been married are an excellent case study for the changing role of marriage in our society. With the increasing opportunities for women, the more dynamic structure of social roles and the decreased social pressure to conform, to not marry is now more a rational selection rather than a default reality. While the subjects of this study were all male, a similar one with female subjects would be just as interesting. In the past, people got married because they almost had to. Women got married because it was almost always the only way to be supported and protected against a society that offered to other means of support. Men got married because to do anything else was considered an act of extreme antisocial behavior. Now, for many people it is the rational choice and from this book you can see many different ways it can be rationalized.

Written in a great conversational style

What I liked about the book is how the author has written in a conversational style where he asks questions of all the men and then asks follow up questions so you really get a good sense as the conversation continues as to why these men no matter their age, how things like the feminist movement, careers, lifestyle choices all add to the mix. And I will note that many men today are no different from many women under the age of fifty who have never married, because they have their independence, and or are looking for perfection which as a widow who was married 38 years, is a myth. Thank God. Fact is love is all about taking some type of risk. And being successfully married as my husband would say, is all about realizing what you see is what you get and that she should never set out to change him nor he change her. I also will note in listening (listening is so important) to male friends, that the reason they love their lifelong partner so much is because she simple damn fun to be with. Like a best friend! Ahh there's the secret. Marry you best friend. I did and would like to do so again. And a great sense of humor and being on the same page with finances are also at the top of the list if you want a great partnership.

Great For The Long Haul

This is definitely a good book that is needed on the relationship market. More and more people are opting to stay single longer. Women often wonder why men are over 40 and never have been married. We have so many labels on relationships today and with the advent of email and numerous dating sites, people seem to be going thru non dating phases a lot longer. As outlined thru the book, men are deeply affected by relationships. Whether they be from dating experiences or family squabbles, men really think twice before leaping into something once. The interviews that Carl Weisman details are quite fascinating including a 60 plus year old man who has been in a relationship for over 30 years but not a married one. Others include men who get involved in seual activities later in life. Still more have had financial situations that make them avoid the committment of marraige. I get insecurities are a part of th equation. Many questions are asked ranging on subjects from living arrangements, chldren, family influences, peer influences, and more. Statistics support the claim that divorce is a big fear among all. The possibility of the renewable marriage is addressed. Sometimes the book gets a bit too structured and the same questions are repeated over and over to draw comparisons. At these moments, the book get be a little less captvating. However, the structure does provide many benefits with the use of a glossary by male subject. One can read back and get a clear picture of each person interviewed. Also the questionaire given to the original test market is well written and worth refiewing several times over. All things considered, this book makes a wonderful long term investment and in spite of a few minor short commings, the overall insight hits its mark.

Interesting and Enlightening for Both Sexes

I currently have about 28 books in my "to be read and reviewed" pile. When I received this book, I put everything down to read it first. I am not a man, over 40 years of age, who is trying to figure out why I never married. Instead I am a 41 year old woman who has been divorced for six years, after a 15 year marriage. I wanted to gain an understanding of why some men never marry. My initial reaction has always been to first assume that they have commitment issues, or something just isn't right with them. After reading "So Why Have You Never Been Married?," I started thinking that maybe these men aren't the ones with the problems. After all, they've never failed at marriage, while I have. The author, Carl Weisman, M.S., interviewed over 30 men over 40 years of age to find out why they never got married. Each one had their own reasons, ranging from some men admitting they were too selfish to others fearing that they would make the wrong choice and end up unhappy or broke. I really found the interviews to be very interesting and for the most part, the decisions were very mature. Personally, I would rather know that a man hasn't gotten married because he knows that he is unable to sexually commit to being with one female for the rest of his life, then know that he knew this getting married and decided to do so anyway. In most cases, the monogamous issue wasn't the main reason for not getting married. This is extremely reassuring to me. As an educated, gainfully employed woman, over forty, who does not want children, what did I get out of this book? The number one thing that I gained was peace of mind. There are men, over forty, out in this world, who value the importance of making the right choices regarding marriage and being in a monogamous relationship. Plus, some of these men, like myself, do not want children. This is a wonderful to know. What didn't I get from this book? Their phone numbers and contact information. But I can't expect everything! Anyway, I highly recommend "So Why Have You Never Been Married?" to singles of both sexes. It is extremely enlightening and interesting.

We're not all playboys, you know

As a never-married man over 40, I was intrigued by the title of Carl Weisman's latest, "So Why Have You Never Been Married?" since I've been asked the same question more than once myself. We are all no doubt familiar with the stereotypes that go with this demographic group: irresponsible, afraid of commitment, hedonistic, self-absorbed, etc., etc. At least one well-known evangelical Christian author has taken chronically-unmarried men to task for failing to obey a perceived "marriage mandate" while remaining single. What Carl Weisman discovered, when he took the trouble to actually sit down and talk to a representative sample of altar-dodgers, is that the reality is a lot more complicated. For every one that freely admits to being too selfish to head a family and raise children, there are many more who were traumatized by their parents' divorce, or who tried to succeed at matrimony but failed, leaving a trail of regrets. Weisman introduces thirty-three diverse men who have yet to tie the knot, and weaves their stories throughout his study of why some guys never, for one reason or another, get around to getting hitched. He includes himself, too: unmarried at 48, the author shares his questions and struggles along with those of the men he profiles. While those individuals are too complicated to be summed up with a tidy formula, Weisman's research does reveal that the men generally revere the institution of marriage even if they have not yet achieved it. His interviews also indicate that men can achieve a surprising level of contentment, even if marriage and family continue to elude them. If nothing else, the book dispels some of the negative stereotypes about men who are slow to marry, and introduces the reader to some colorful and diverse characters. "So Why Have You Never Been Married" opens a revealing window into the psyche of the perennially unmarried man for women who are interested in deciphering the workings of the male mind. It might also be helpful to aging parents still hoping for grandchildren, as well as for other guys who will find it reassuring to know that they are not alone.