Should You Leave?: A Psychiatrist Explores Intimacy and Autonomy--and the Nature of Advice

by Peter D. Kramer

Book Overview

"A stunning and moving look at the many- layered complexities of intimacy" (Kirkus Review) by the bestselling author of Listening to Prozac

How do we choose our partners? How well do we know them? How do mood states affect our assessment of them and theirs of us? What does "working on a relationship" truly entail? When should we try to improve a relationship, and when should we leave? Leading psychiatrist Peter Kramer presents an intelligent,...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0140272798
• ISBN13: 9780140272796
• Release Date: January 1999
• Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
• Length: 336 Pages
• Weight: 0.66 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.8" x 5.4" x 8.1"
• Age Range: 18 years and up
• Grade Range: Postsecondary and higher

Customer Reviews

Deep, intelligent, funny, useful, challenging, unusual, ...

With Beck's Love is Never Enough, it is by far the best book I have read on couples. With so many self-help books centered on finding fault in the other, this one brings a rarer and more usefully challenging perspective. I found it worth reading every year.Some of the most striking points made by Kramer in this book:- a promising relationship is one in which, when you change enough, a reciprocal response occurs.- you need to grow in willingness to be slightly taken advantage of- you want change ? then stay this time !- if you want change, change yourself first- to be committed is to be able to find the bills a mess (or anything else that drives you crazy) and be perfectly fine.- if you chose somebody with about the same level of differenciation/maturity as you, then you are at the right place- if you are with somebody easy enough to love and not frankly abusive, you should stay- learn not to tolerate, but to actually love what you now disdain in your partner (stop being vicious about the unclosed soda cap bottle and learn to find it charming)- you say your couple or partner do not feel right. Don't you have a problem with your work instead ?- hidden depression in one or the other partner is the cause of half of the couple problems and breakups. A partner suddently finding all sorts of flaws in the other is a strong hint of depression.- insist ! Not on leaving, but on staying and having it your way.- beware of negative projective identification: you unconsciously force the other to behave in ways you fear.- maturity consists in a large part in resisting to (and resisting the use of) projective identification- use the current relationship as a greenhouse to develop your relationship skills.- ethics do matter.- men are from Illinois and women are from Indiana. They are different, but not in especially confusing ways.- relationships are exactly like skiing: it does not work as long as you are in the back seat.

Destined to be a classic

An absolute gem of a book I almost missed because I couldn't bear the thought of yet another sappy self-help book. Described as part fiction, part non-fiction, part self-help, Kramer puts together scenarios that seem all too familiar, and then cleverly analyzes them in the second person, writing to "you" instead of an impersonal someone else, so that you are forced to engage with the different situations and personalities where they fit and discard the rest. That's how he gives advice, without directly giving advice, and the experience overall is very rewarding. (And he is clear that his tendency is to stay, not to leave -- although he is also clear about when and why to leave as well.) On top of it all, it is very engagingly written -- Kramer is a writer first, and a psychiatrist second, and it is fascinating to read in such a clear context about the many historical and philosophical references that he has devoted a lifetime to reading (and I probably never will). For those on the fence in an important relationship and wanting a useful tool to help understand how you got there and how to move forward, without spending weeks in intensive therapy, this book is the best help money can buy -- and the lessons you will keep for a lifetime. For all that, I still can't write a review that gives this book its due.

Read it too late

His writing is enjoyable to read and the content is very thought provoking. He values the committed relationship and never over-simplifies the many facets at work when a relationship is at a crossroads. There is helpful information about the role of depression when relationships lose their energy. I recommend this book to all people in a relationship whether the relationship is in trouble or not. I don't know if it's just my vantage point, but had I read this book before my relationship ended, we might have had a better chance of salvaging it.

This book played a key role in saving my marriage.

One chapter of this book could have been written about my husband, whose mild but chronic depression had led him to feel unhappy with our marriage and to become entangled with a younger, wilder woman (referred to as "Carmencita" in the book). He had moved out of our home when I found this chapter and finally persuaded him to read it. Miraculously, he recognized himself in the story, began to understand what had happened, gained the courage to begin prozac and psychotherapy, and found hope that our marriage might be salvageable (the chapter helped give me hope as well). Just as the chapter predicted, he discovered joy in his life and in our marriage, and has re-gained the character that his depression had smothered. Thank you, Dr. Kramer. Your insight was uncanny and invaluable.

Highest recommendations!

Kramer's book title can be misleading at times. He gives an overview of very different relationship problems without the additional complication of children involved. He focuses on solutions within the partnership on the grounds that unsolved problems get carried over into the new relationship, and if it should not work out, essential relationship skills will have been acquired. He illustrates his cases with plenty of psychological history from Freud to Bowen including film, music and historical novels. While at times a bit tough to read, Kramer does break up the theories with practical applications. He provides explicit insight into the thought pattern of the psychiatrist and the professional- to- patient relationship. Kramer provides a very balanced approach of using drugs in therapy compared to cognitive approaches (he is the author of Listening to Prozac) which is quite refreshing. Don't expect a pre-digested self-help book with step- by- step instructions but an overall food for thought pattern that will keep your thoughts flowing until you can figure out the most helpful approach for yourself together with a psychiatrist like Kramer who knows that you need advice and guidance more than a yearlong travel back into your childhood. This is the absolute best book I have ever read about analysis, the reasons of heading into it, the dynamics of professional vs. patient relationship and the bigger picture of "where are we going in this relationship". A definite must for everyone in therapy, client or professional.