Should I Stay or Go?: How Controlled Separation (Cs) Can Save Your Marriage

by Lee Raffel

Book Overview

Until now, couples facing the dilemma of deciding whether or not to stay in an unhappy marriage had three options: individual or couples therapy, separation, or divorce. Should I Stay or Go? provides these couples with a fourth option--the Controlled Separation (CS). Should I Stay or Go? explains CS and shows how it can be used as a tool to help couples make the best decision for both partners.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0809225131
• ISBN13: 9780809225132
• Release Date: September 1999
• Publisher: McGraw-Hill Companies
• Length: 304 Pages
• Weight: 1.11 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.8" x 6.0" x 9.0"

Customer Reviews

Hope for Those Who Can't Just Walk Away

If you have been in a marriage relationship for sometime, as I have, and yet that relationship is less healthy than you believe it should be, this book may be for you. I found this book to offer a plan that is a sensible alternative to giving up, getting ugly, or even "making do". Not everyone is angry and wants out of a marriage, at least not without trying everthing possible to mend or reinvigorate the relationship. Lee Raffel offers a blueprint for exploring whether or not a relationship can be "fixed" or saved. Because Raffel's suggestion of controlled separation is negotiated between the two parties, there is buy-in by both parties, at least on some level. Raffel clearly and succinctly lays out the plan, even offering assistance with the negotiating part of the process. She includes everything from how to broach the subject with your spouse, how to tell the kids, how to handle the money, whether or not to seek professional counseling, etc. The book is not written in a "clinical" manner; it is written for the average reader. Also, there are many examples of each step in the process that helpfully illustrate the details from Raffel's case studies. It is my belief that anyone who may cousel or give advice to someone whose marriage is less than satisfying should read this book. I would think that in particular pastors, who may not be as skilled as they would like when dealing with couples in crisis, might find this a helpful technique to utilize.

Tried traditional marriage therapy? NOW read this.

You know that you are in an unhealthy relationship. And, you have repeatedly PROVEN you cannot work it out under the same roof. But you don't want a divorce. And you don't want things to stay the same.... Whoah: There is another option to those 2 extremes! CONTROLLED separation.{Note: 2 Marriage therapists got rich off us & FAILED us because they lacked this vision. To them: PLEASE READ THIS BOOK. Can't hurt to add to your repetoire!}This book helped me break that paralyzing fear of staying 10 more years VS. cutting all ties & being suddenly alone. It gives you structure. You work out your own contract, with or without therapists. Once apart, you can conduct a productive exploration of your self & your relationship. And talk to each other as you decide, on a VERY limited schedule, to see how it is going. No fault finding, no blaming. (We each have therapists and support groups on the wagon for this venting.)Read chapter "My Marriage is Making Me Sick" first. Then, read the "Differences between trial and controlled sep.". This was better for my husband's attention span. Then, he was hooked. Then get a 6 month lease somewhere. If you have a verbally/emotionally distant, abusive or very insensitive mate, this may mean PEACE for you the 1st time in years.THE GOAL IS: Happy, healthy reunification. But -- If nothing else, this approach lets you KNOW you tried EVERYTHING you could before divorcing. And you learn how to avoid similarly BAD partner match-ups for the future.

Feeling stuck in the middle? This book is pure guidance.

I searched for guidance and self-help books to help me with the agonizing decision of where I should turn when my husband & separated. Most books out there were 'how to make a better marriage' or 'how to cope with divorce'. There was nothing in the middle until I discovered this book. I read the book in one day and actually took a highlighter and highlighted the parts that hit home. I have a completely different outlook on what separation can do for a marriage. It doesn't necessarily mean the end to a relationship but possibly a new beginning.

An incredible read.

I loved this book. I was so glad to find a book that deals with this difficult situation with such compassion. It also helps you transition any children into the separated state. Many of the books I have read on separating consider the parties involved mortal enemies without hope for an amicable parting. Ms. Raffel shows how to make a separation work for you and your relationship instead of against you. Whether you're the initiator or the one being left this book is helpful on all levels in that it helps you to see all sides of the situation. I highly reccomend this book to anyone in this unfortunate situation. It truly does give you hope and insight during a period that can feel so hopeless.

This book is a good support for any couple!

It is no secret that the institution of modern day marriage is suffering. Yet on the day when a couple joins together, they deeply believe that their love will surmount any problems. Or one of the partners secretly thinks he or she will have the power to change whatever is annoying in the other. Or the whirlwind of courtship has disguised personality conflicts that only arise after years of living together.The world is changing at such a rapid pace that the stree placed upon married life is profound. Not to mention the fact that people change as they live their lives. You may find that the person you married years ago is not the person to whom you are married today. So what do you do when you find yourself suffering in an unhappy married relationship? Are you trying to decide, as Lee Raffel's title suggests, do I stay or do I go?Lee has been there. She suffered for years in a bad marriage. Then the experience of a good second marriage gave her the insights with which to help others. During years as a professional marriage counselor, she watched too many couples struggle unsuccessfully to get out of the mire. Her deep desire to help stop this pain motivated Lee to create a focused plan which enables couples to call a "time out," a time in which they can let the dust settle so they can experience each others' humanity again. In Transactional Analysis (TA) terms, this road map of Lee's encourages two adults, rather than two angry, hurting kids, to guide the relationship. In this easy-to-read, very informative manual, couples in distress follow an explicit and compassionate guideline which allows them to separate, physically if need be, and emotionally in order to put sanity back into thier relationship. Lee's "controlled separation" (CS) model offers nurturing guidance, a resonable time frame and practical rules. Couples can use the book by themselves or with the aid of a professional. Within the CS framework a couple may find that they have grounds on which to work things out or they may decide that it is time to end their marriage. Either way, the decision comes from a well-thought out and heartfelt place.As one couple commented after a three-month CS in whicy they "reinvented" thier partnership: "The CS was a blessing. It gave us a chance to take the bull by the norns and strighten ourselves out. It was a relief to get reacquanited again. We could be private about our CS and for that, we are grateful."Lee Raffel's timely book is profoundly deep and empathetic - true nourishment for the soul of marriage. She covers virtually all possibilites of occurrences and feelings. Every reader will identify with some situation. This is not only a book for troubled relationships, it is a good support for any couple. Thank you, Lee!