She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband

by Helen Boyd

Helen Boyd's husband, who had long been open about being a cross-dresser, was considering living as a woman full time. Suddenly, Boyd was confronted with the reality of what it would mean if her husband were actually to become a woman socially, legally, and medically. Would Boyd love and desire her partner the same way?

Boyd's first book, My Husband Betty, explored the relationships of cross-dressing men and their partners. Now,...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 1580051936
• ISBN13: 9781580051934
• Release Date: February 2007
• Publisher: Seal Press (CA)
• Length: 280 Pages
• Weight: 0.91 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.9" x 5.6" x 8.4"

Customer Reviews

Incredibly Moving

Helen's first book, My Husband Betty, was very focused on sharing information about crossdressers and their partners. As someone who had little to no experience with crossdressing or crossdressers, that book was highly educational for me. She's Not the Man I Married is less about information and more about Helen's experiences as the partner of a trans person. She addresses her fears, her frustrations, her own discovery of what gender means in her life. Mostly what comes through is the tremendous love that she and Betty have for one another, and the surprising impact of gender on their relationship. This book is smart, articulate, and heart-wrenchingly honest. Go and buy it right now.

She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband

It is an excellent book for the partners of people in transition. So much focus is on the transitioning partner, this book addresses concerns of the non transitioning partner.

From Partner to Activist

Read with her previous book, My Husband Betty-- which is a wonderful work-- She's Not the Man I Married continues to follow the complex growth and partnership of a woman who has become one of the most important voices in transgender activism today. In both books, Helen Boyd discusses the complex cultural "baggage" that is imposed on crossdressers and on transgender people and communities generally, and traces what it has meant for her to become an active part of transgender communities. This is a book that challenges transphobia in important ways, without shying away from difficult questions and her own powerful emotions and conflicts. Just as important, both her books treat Betty, her partner and her subject, with love, kindness... and as an equal deserving of our respect. This is a book that goes well alonside with Transgender Rights. Transgender Rights

A much-needed voice

Helen Boyd's willingness to peel back the lid and let us in on both the struggles and love in her relationship with Betty will resonate deeply for anyone on the gender and sexual spectrum who has felt frustration with the assumed gender roles in their own romantic relationships. Particularly for partners of trans people, Helen's articulation of her experience is a resounding validation of what many partners think and feel in complete isolation. She offers no easy answers, but her ability and willingness to lay herself and her relationship bare is a gift she has given both to the trans community, and to anyone on the gender spectrum attempting a life-long partnership. A life and a marriage in mid-transition is a difficult thing to capture, but Helen holds the flickering image in her palm gently and opens it to share with us. Anyone will be honored and awed by this intimate view of a relationship, captured by a talented and articulate voice.

She Tells It Like It Is

This book is about Helen Boyd's experiences and feelings as she watches her husband heading along the trans path. It is an open, honest self-searching wherein she lays herself bare. Throughout I could feel her anger; anger at society's ignorance concerning trans issues, anger at Betty for stealing away her beautiful husband, and anger at herself for her anger. I could feel her frustration at the lack of understanding, so apparent, on the part of society at large concerning gender and the issues it presents. This book is also about love; Helen and Betty's deep love for each other, a love which has held them together at a time when most others would have long ago separated. The book consists of a preface and a section of notes on language, pronouns and taxonomy, followed by seven chapters and a final note from Betty. Throughout, the author often amplifies a word or phrase by reference to notes on each chapter which are contained at the back of the book. Although the trans reader probably doesn't need to refer to these notes, no doubt other readers will. When I read a non-fiction book I generally flag what appear to me to be quotable quotes. I usually end up with five or so. When I had finished reading this book I counted twenty-two! If you have read other reviews I have written, you know that I usually include one or two of what I consider to be the most meaningful of them. I am not going to do that here. One thing for sure, Helen Boyd has a very firm grasp of trans issues. For example in Chapter One, Girl Meets Boy, she says, "But the one thing you learn when you hang out with someone who might be transsexual is that almost nothing is more important than gender; not relationships, not children, not employment, not career goals or financial stability. When something isn't right with someone's gender, nothing could be more wrong or more important." Later on in the chapter I found it so easy to agree with her statement, "It's a cold, cold day when death seems easier than what you're facing. A cold, lonely, miserable, heart-wrenching day." Having "been there, done that, gotten the t-shirt", it was a flash-back I didn't really want to experience, one with which almost every trans person will readily identify. One of the criticisms I have read of this book is that it is repetitive. That reminds me of a week-long seminar I once attended wherein the requisite pre-reading was Alvin Toffler's Future Shock. Most of the attendees complained that each chapter seemed the same, that the book was too repetitive. My reaction to that was, "You didn't read the book!" It's the same with Helen's book. If you find yourself thinking that what you are reading is a repeat of something you have read before, you are not reading it! My suggestion would be to re-read, and re-read that passage until you `get' its true meaning. Repetitive? Hell no! I found it difficult to put this book down. I found it so soulfully appealing, so full of "Yah's!" and "Aha's!" that, like h