Sexual Detours: The Startling Truth Behind Love, Lust, and Infidelity

by Holly Hein

Book Overview

With insight and sensitivity, Dr. Holly Hein leads on a voyage of discovery that explores the true meaning behind our sexual detours. She shows us why we do it, how we do it, and what to do about it. Dr. Hein clarifies why an affair reveals more about ourselves than about our sex lives; why it is more about the chemistry of escape thatn about sexual lightning. And, ultimately, she explains why an affair is more about the betrayl of the self than it...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0312272774
• ISBN13: 9780312272777
• Release Date: April 2001
• Publisher: Golden Guides from St. Martin's Press
• Length: 272 Pages
• Weight: 0.59 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.7" x 5.6" x 8.3"

Customer Reviews

This book helped me a lot

I bought this book about 3 months after learning of my wife's affairs. I found much in the book that resonated with my experiences, and helped immensely. The writing in parts of the book contains much drama, and some of the writing I had to go over again to understand. Still, this book provided the first real help to me understanding what led to my wife's decision to have a "fling", and to decouple myself from responsibility for my wife's affairs and her problems that caused her to chose an affair rather than taking a stand to fix or end the marriage. The description of affairs as a waste of time is dead on. The choices she faced before the affairs; improve the marriage or end it, are the same ones we face now. Her choice to have affairs with men at her work (she changed jobs a year into the first affair and changed partners at the same time) put our marriage on hold and wasted 4 years we could have been fixing things or starting new lives. The descriptions of what she was really looking for and getting from the affairs were accurate from both of our perspectives. As Dr. Hine describes, my wife did not carefully chosen these affair partners due to their great personality, looks, or character; they were simply available and willing. The discussion of what both partners bring to a marriage from our childhoods was accurate in our case for the actions and lack of action leading up to the affairs, and has prompted some introspection and self-discovery on my part. My wife and I have discussed many passages and sections from this book. Because it was so helpful to me, my wife is planning to read it completely. I have warned her that this book makes no excuses or positive justifications for an affair and may be emotionally difficult for her to read.

Excellent Book!

As a therapist I have witnessed situations very similar to what Dr. Hein discusses in her book. I don't think she was being judgemental. She was being honest. With any "infatuation" there is the high of being "in love." We project on to others the qualities we want them to have. We fall in love with a fantasy. I don't know where she got her statistics but I've seen the same thing over and over in my practice. It seems it does take about 2-3 years for the "in love" anesthesia to wear off. Often it takes this long for reality to hit. The thrill of the "secrets" diminishes. The excitment of the double life wears off. Take Dr. Hein's advice, fix yourself first and stop thinking a different relationship will bring you happiness.

Disregard the one-star reviews!!

Having read and appreciated Dr. Hein's book, I decided to read other people's reviews. What a surprise. The other reviewers sound like they were looking for a book that condones affairs and makes affair partners not feel so bad about what they have done. Honestly. Such an approach would not be helpful. As a therapist who has specialized in helping couples recover from infidelity for 18 years, I have found that those who betray their spouses need to stop blaming their marital partners and take a reflective look at themselves and the dynamics in the marriage. Dr. Hein helps both the faithful and the unfaithful do just that, in a non-condemning but realistic fashion. She exposes the underlying avoidance of intimacy and power struggles that may be fueling the desire to seek solace in an outside relationship. She does a superb job of explaining and applying complex psychological principles in a reader-friendly manner. No, this book is not for those who seek permission to take detours from the real issues at play in their marriage. It is written for the ones who truly wish to understand themselves, grow, and avoid repeating the mistakes of the past. ~Linda J. MacDonald, M.S., LMFT