Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy

by Frank Pittman

Book Overview

Infidelity is the most common major crisis of marriage. In this wise book, a psychiatrist and family therapist discusses four kinds of infidelity, why they happen, and what they mean. This description may be from another edition of this product.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0393307077
• Release Date: November 1990
• Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company
• Length: 309 Pages
• Weight: 0.78 lbs.
• Dimensions: 8.3" x 0.9" x 5.6"

Customer Reviews

Probably the best available book on the subject

Of the dozen or so books I've read on infidelity, this is by far the soundest--intellectually, morally, and practically. As a psychotherapist, a writer on psychology well-thought-of in some good circles, and a cuckold (hence my not giving my name), I think I can say that with some authority.I'm not quite sure why therapists get utterly goofy when they start writing about infidelity, manufacturing nonsense about its always being a function of the marriage, or both parties having contributed. We wouldn't say those things about, say, wife beating, would we? Why say it about other egregious disrespect, damage, and betrayal of the entire marriage contract?Pittman, with refreshing good sense, shoots down six common "myths about infidelity" and provides very sound analysis and advice. Frankly, I would rank this as one of the better pop books by anyone, on any subject, in matters of mental health. His comments on guilt and jealousy are among the best I've ever heard from a mental health type.I have only two complaints: First, Pittman feels compelled to give his own "typology" of affairs, and while it's better than any other I've seen, it's still artificial and doesn't encompass all the sorts of affairs that occur. You might not do well to fit yourself into his pigeonholes.Second, like other Americans, Pittman for some reason feels the irrational need to deny that sex is at the heart of the damage done by infidelity. True, the lies and so forth are horrible. But let's face facts: We don't get nearly so hurt or angry about lies that have nothing to do with sexual betrayal. I guess Americans don't like talking about the elemental emotions that go with sex, even when we're talking about sex.Maybe I'll have to write a book saying that monogamy is about sex, and what that means, and what it means that sexual betrayal is sexual. Until then, read Pittman's book. It's very sound.

Excellent

If you are the betrayed spouse struggling with a drop in self esteem, this book is for you. My husband denied his extramarital affair for months. I bought the book for myself as a sanity preserving measure. He read it, and the insights it contained to his behavior led him not only to admit his infidelity, but to formally end his affair and work on our marriage. Of all the books I've read, this is the only one that doesn't blame the wounded spouse. Conversely, it forces the cheater into accepting responsibility. A must read!

Excellent

This was by far the best book I read on recovering from the betrayal of an extramarital affair (and I read A LOT!). Reading this book led my husband to finally admit to me of his longstanding affair with a co-worker and indeed, it was the insights contained in this book that caused him to take responsibility for his behavior and formally end his affair. I enjoyed this book because it is the only one I've read that does not blame the spouse who was betrayed. As a betrayed spouse, my self esteem was at an all time low. This book made me feel good about myself. It will definitely make the unfaithful partner examine his reasons for straying. It explores the whys and wherefores about infidelity and presents advice for both the unfaithful and the wounded partner. It's a MUST READ! a

This book probably saved my marriage.

After my marriage suffered from a devastating infidelity this book was the first and only trully helpful source of facts that helped me understand adultery. It talks about the 4 types of adultery and the reasons they may occur. The book provides information on potential for repairing the marriage (ie, is your unfaithful spouse a hopeless philanderer or a lost soul that might be saved with help.) Had I not found this book I certainly would not have the understanding of what happened in my marriage that I feel I now have. It helped me to find some peace and begin the healing process. Other books I read and the counselors I talked to were not able to help in this way. I feel Dr. Pittman is a leading expert who is much more knowledgeable regarding infidelity than the average marriage counselor out there. I strongly recommend it for anyone who has a marriage that has suffered from infidelity.

Saving your sanity as you make sense of adultery

This is the only book about betrayal that I recommend to therapists whole heartedly. Pittmans common sense views of the etiology, progression and healing of betrayal are absolutely refreshing. A key point that seems unique is Pittmans emphasis that the betrayed partner did not bring this on themselves. Currently, many authors and therapists insist that the faithful partner contributed to the others unfaithfulness in some significant way or it would never have happened. Unfortunately the battered soul of the offended partner is not only contending with terrible rejection, they are given the crushing judgement that some defect of theirs contributed to the betrayal. We wouldn't ask the victim of a mugging how they could have been more sensitive to the assailents needs to have prevented the crime. Pittmans book is a humane, reasonable and a common sense approach which helps allieviate much pain and calls the straying partner to account for his actions. Another insightful observation Pittman reveals is the re-writing of history that often goes on in the rationalization process of the adulterer. The common phrases, "Our marriage was over a long time before, we always had problems, she/he never loved me" may or may not be true. But generally in the presence of an affair, those statements make cheating a whole lot easier to do. Pittman asks, How trustworthy is the memory of a cheating partner. A sanity saving thought for the faithful partner who begins to suspect he was either living in another house, or lost his mind.For those who have been wounded the book offers great comfort, for those who cheated it offers an opportunity for accountability. Most of all it offers hope for many that marriages can be saved even after adultery. Pittmans book is a great tool to do precisely that. At this point I have found no better resource for those grappling with the aftermath of adultery.