Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

by Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli, Ph.D. Shirley P. Glass

Book Overview

One of the world's leading experts on infidelity provides a step-by-step guide through the process of marital infidelity--from suspicion and revelation to healing, and provides profound, practical guidance to prevent cheating and, if it happens, recover and heal from it.

You're right to be cautious when you hear these words: "I'm telling you, we're just friends."

Good people in good marriages are having affairs. The workplace...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0743225503
• ISBN13: 9780743225502
• Release Date: February 2004
• Publisher: Atria Books
• Length: 448 Pages
• Weight: 0.90 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.1" x 5.6" x 8.4"

Customer Reviews

Covers Emotional Friendship to Physical Affair

I would recommend this book more for those couples reconciling a physical affair more than couples reconciling an emotional only affair only because the examples are based primarily on the physical side, but there are some internal “thought” scenarios that work for both. If nothing else it will give the betrayed spouse a simple idea of how a friendship developed into an affair and the betrayer some examples of what they have actually done to their betrayed spouse in terms of trust and security. I would not consider this a strong book for emotional only affairs, and not at all for the wayward spouse that is doing one-night stands. In these scenarios the partners are not typically infidelity minded in the beginning. For those that have wayward spouses that are found to be infidelity minded this is not your book. This is more for happy seemingly healthy couples that go off the rails later on in the relationship and seemingly accidental. This book is mostly geared toward drawing the line and putting protections in place before a friendship turns into an affair and I would highly recommend it for newly married couples.

Answers so many questions I have struggled with

Ever since my spouses affair 30 years ago, her refusal to ever talk about it, and then her reaching out to him 25 years later, I have been plagued with questions I could only speculate answers to. This book not only addressed all of these questions, it explained why I am still unable to move forward. PISD is real and has affected me all this time in every aspect of my life and my relationships.

Amazing Insight!

I've only known of my husband's affair for about 6 weeks. It has floored me and has totally rocked my world. After reading this book, I realized I should have seen it coming. This book brought so much to my attention. While not a bad marriage, I wouldn't call my marriage good either. It ceratinly isn't what I wanted in a marriage. Some where along the way, we stopped really communicating and meeting each other's emotional needs...though I never stopped loving my husband. One of the most stunning things I learned from the book was that I too had had an affair, an "emotional affair"...but I did not know that was what it was until I read this book. I have a very good male friend who became my number one confidant, when my husband was no longer meeting my emotional needs. We have talked about everything. We even talked about having a sexual affair, but both agreed it had the potential of ruining our friendship, so we drew the line there. Additionally, every time I'd spend time talking to my friend, I'd be wishing that it was my husband and I spending time together talking. Or when my friend would do something nice for me, I'd wonder why my husband didn't do things like that, and wish he would. The truth is, my friend was a stand-in for my husband, but I never saw him as being able to replace my husband because I absolutely love my husband. Regardless of what I was "wishing for", I am positive this "emotional affair" played an indirect role in my husband's affair. By this I mean, it definitely played a role in weakening our marriage further, though I ABSOLUTELY do not take responsibility for the choice he made to enter in a sexual and emotional affair (the book really helped me to understand this concept). Since things were already rocky, as my friendship grew, my efforts to meet my husband's needs lessened. Like me, he found someone else who did meet his emotional needs. But he did not stop there. It became a strong emotional and sexual relationship. Though the sexual part of it angers me, it is less devastating to me than the lies and deception that were involved, the financial investment he made into the relationship, and the way his behavior changed during the affair. He was a Dr. Jeckyl/ Mr. Hyde. And that is what has really hurt me and our family. So, the booked really helped me see the "whole" picture. Unfortunately, we are still uncertain if we will be able to save the marriage. We are still "together" and are seeing a counselor. But it is very early in the process. He admits he still loves me but he is also is experiencing ambivalence about his feeling for the affair partner and I am experiencing ambivalence about having him stay in the house while he works through what he wants. The book does a good job explaining our current feelings and addressing the issues we are both dealing with right now, but it can't give us the answers as to what is the right thing for us to do. Only time and counseling will. My husban

The Best Book on Affairs

I am a clinical psychologist,a wife and mother. I have read many, many books on affairs and treated literally hundreds of couples recovering from the marital carnage of affairs. This book is the best. My clients involved in affairs find it the most helpful and so do other therapists. Nothing else even comes close. Her examples ring true. There are no false notes. I suspected that since she hadn't experienced an affair that she would be judgemental. Not so. She has great empathy for each person in the triangle. She understands that some mariages won't make it, yet is clear that her values are pro-marriage. She recognizes that many marriages emerge from affairs stronger than ever. This is the good stuff! Enjoy.

Recovering From Betrayal

I immediately ordered 4 copies of "Not Just Friends" after hearing Dr. Shirley Glass' fascinating interview on the Connie Chung Show. The description of emotional affairs in the work place made me concerned for the security of my adult children's marriages. I wanted them to understand what I had been too naïve to know. My own marriage ended after 35 years because my husband never admitted his many infidelities and would not talk to me about the one that I finally discovered. Although I read the book with much personal pain and had to put it down for days, I was compelled to pick it back up repeatedly because I saw myself on many of the pages. I was relieved to find that the book provided me with closure and healing to so many unanswered questions. I would urge others to read this book if they are worried about the slippery slope or are struggling with an ongoing affair-or even, as in my case, trying to make sense of the betrayal and finally recover, no matter how much time has elapsed.

Insightful Understanding into the Root of Today's Infidelity

I found this book to be incredibly insightful in its identification of the subtle transition from friends to lovers. Dr. Glass recognizes the emotional significance and potential hazard when an individual stops functioning as a responder to their mate and become a responder to a close friend. The running story of Laura, Rachel and Ralf the book outlines mirrors precisely my own set of circumstances. Unfortunately I didn't find this book until after my relationship had ended. However, its description of the course of events was right on target, right down to the terms that the affair partners used to justify their actions including calling their lover their soul mate. In my own particular circumstances I was in the role of Rachel; Dr. Glass' insights into the thoughts of the character of Rachel paralleled my own during the affair of my significant other. This book mapped the friendship to affair progression I watched my significant other go through. More specifically Dr. Glass managed to capture and understand the miry tangle of emotions that a person feels when their spouse is involved in an affair. For months I have been looking for someone that could understand that I felt both betrayed and yet still loved my former spouse. The description of the nauseating, insomniating, complicated emotions the person who has been cheated on feels was exactly what I had been trying to express to family and friends. I would recommend this book to anyone who has been involved in an affair personally or tangentially as well as for any couple interested in protecting and identifying risks to their relationship.