Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitment Phobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

by Julia Sokol and Steven Carter

Book Overview

This is the classic relationship book -- now in trade paperback for the first time. Featured on "Oprah" and "Sally Jesse Raphael", this definitive look at the dynamics of male-female communication... This description may be from another edition of this product.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0871319993
• ISBN13: 9780871319999
• Release Date: January 2004
• Publisher: M. Evans and Company
• Length: 328 Pages
• Weight: 0.81 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.8" x 5.1" x 7.9"

Customer Reviews

For those looking for help, read this book

This book is so eerily accurate, but more than anything it helps you to understand that it is NOT YOU. Read the rest of the reviews. It is a REAL phenomenon. These men have serious issues and inflict serious pain. As one reader said so succinctly, Get out, Get out, GET OUT (before they destroy you). It is so important to get away and stay away. We (my guy and myself) have been back and forth so many times, my heart is war-weary from it all. The histrionics and melodrama of it all have been hollywood-esque in proportion and style. These men are sick. Yes, we have our issues if we keep returning, but you can deal with those once they are OUT OF YOUR LIFE. Good luck. It is the HARDEST thing you will ever do. Through perseverance, prayer and daily work, you will come through it. Do not backslide. These men are liars and powerful persuaders. Worst of all, mine was an unbelievable CHEATER. It is precisely your strength and admirable qualities that attracted them to you in the first place. Once you begin rebuilding yourself it is as if a neon light is flashing again, attracting them to you. It is a TRAP! Do not fall for it. Work on yourself - easy to say, (I know from personal devastation) but hard to do. As my therapist has told me (in the words of the 6 Million Dollar Man) "we can rebuild you, we can make you stronger." YOU can rebuild you, and you CAN be stronger. Strong enough to avoid these men that make you CRAZY. You are not alone. There are so many of us out there and I'm sure it is prevalent in both sexes. Just reading the book and "knowing it isn't ME" helped so much. Also, printing and reading the reader reviews helped. Hopefully, in a few months or year or so, I will be able to write a "happy ending" to this nightmare. I am hanging on to what God has in store next. As another reader wrote, I am reading "Who Moved My Cheese". Healing is a long and painful process. I dont know why my CP always seemed to be happy when he could interrupt that process and plunge me into the depths of despair again and again and again, but I am determined after reading this not to let it EVER happen again.Get this book! If you are dealing with someone like this, you need it. If nothing else, perhaps you will be able to minimize the pain that you are certainly headed for. With these men, there can be NO OTHER WAY. I would love to be a case study for Sokol and Carter. My CP is a poster child for the book and his face should be plastered all over the cover (if only as a warning to the other unsuspecting females out there). Most importantly because he is now "born again" and inflicting himself no doubt on trusting Christian women, with a line of BS that is sanctimonious and blasphemous at best.As my therapist tells me (I hated to hear it) you have to "live through the pain." But once you do, you will be happier and healthier. "Every story has an ending, but in life, every ending is a beginning." (quote from a movie) So, mourn your

Amazing true but painful to read

The minute I started reading this book, I couldn't believe how accurate it all was and yet how a person like me could fall into this kind of relationship. I thought he cared, I believed things he did and said, until it came crashing down and continued to disappoint me and let me down. It's been the hardest thing to let go and move on because of the memories and the feelings that felt so real. But getting away from these men who can't commit, will never change, and can't love is the best, most self-respecting thing you can do for yourself. I could never have made it through the pain without this book. I read it every morning to make it through the day and remind myself of answers to my questions: why doesn't he love me anymore? how could he do this? how could he forget about us? how could abandon what we had together?

Read this book immediately if you can't figure him out.

I sat in tears at the library reading this book because it was like reading my life. It was so reassuring to know that there are other women who have suffered as much just because we give our love so freely and unconditionally. It was a review of this book that made me go out and read it immediately. She had written about exactly what I was going through. Age seems not to make a difference. Once a commitmentphobe, always one it appears. My "soul-mate" was 20 years older than me, in his late fifties. An interesting twist on my story, is that although he had plenty of money, he never bought me a birthday, Valetine's or Christmas gift. I don't think it was so much the money, as it was his feeling that a gift would indicate commitment. He would never spend the night with me, and seemed content to talk romantically about what the future would hold - how wonderful it would be to snuggle together, couldn't wait to be together all the time, etc. He was just living in a fantasy world of no commitment, while I was seeing a rosy future, completely unaware that he was about to yank the rug out from under me. After never having a fight, always laughing, and romantic walks on the beach, he one night (after a date), announced he didn't see us with a future together. Thankfully, I had the common sense to calmly say that was all I needed to hear, and gave him his things. If you think that not crowding these men will do the trick, forget it. I never once called him, (always waited for him to call me), never asked him to meet my family, never asked to meet his children, never mentioned marriage, continued having an active social life with my friends (he never asked me out for Saturday night dates - just assumed he could call Saturday afternoon, and I'd be sitting there), never went to his place, and also attended school while working full-time. I just assumed that once he realized I had my own active life, and wasn't trying to change his life that he would feel comfortable with marriage. Just as the book says, the very fact that the relationship is so good is what sends them into a tailspin, and makes them ruin it. We went through two breakups, with almost a year apart in between. When we got back together, he was even more romantic, and willing to do anything for us to be together. I was so thrilled, and then just as devastated six months later when he did the same thing again, and ended it. I still miss talking to him and being with him. I will never call him, but when I feel especially down, I read the reviews for the book. Therapy has helped, and it's good to know that it takes on average, two years to get over such a traumatic breakup. For most of us, we see a wonderful future, and then it disappears in an instant. I'm determined not to give him such power over me that he makes my life miserable. What I'm thankful for, is that I saw it before we might have married. The book also says that marriage doesn't change them. They are just

Excellent Book to Understand Commitment Phobia

I purchased this book and read it in 8 hours. I had just beenthrough a 4 year relationship with a Commitmentphobic guy. We were onagain and off all that time. Each time he got close to having t make a commitment, he ran. Finally on Mar. 18,2000 when in Key West, he proposed to me at sun set on the ocean. I said yes and was the happiest person in the world finally getting the commitment from the person I loved most in this world and the person I worked so hard for. From that moment everything changed, he became withdrawn, disinterested in me, disinterested in sex,all of which are mentioned in this book. Within one week he told me he didn't want to get married, that he was getting physically ill from feeling trapped. I did not understand and have not spoken to him since until I read this book. I now see that it was not me and that he definately ahs a problem that cannot really be fixed. I have decided I ahve to let him go and am finally accepting that he will never change. I will never forgive him for making me the happiest and the saddest person in one week and for embarrassing me with friends , family and co-workers but I am now able to move on and know why our relationship failed and no longer blame myself for not doing enough. I recommend anyone who has a similar situation to read this book and don't put all the blame on you.

after the fairy tale beginning........

This is an important book for anyone who is suffering the fallout of a fairy tale beginning of a relationship. I recently found myself engaged after only 4 months of dating (and I am someone that ALL my friends call overly-cautious where men are concerned). He was everything I ever wanted in a man....or so I thought. Things were great until a ring was purchased. All of a sudden, nothing I wanted or needed in life mattered to this man, nothing I did was right and I began to feel like I had no business breathing. It was like being hit by a bus head on. I walked around shell-shocked for days..pleading with him to please talk to me....what happened? Thank goodness for this book. I started reading this book with the hope that things would work out between us but by the end I no longer WANTED things to 'work out' with this man. When I read the line "would you let a friend treat you like this?" I thought....NO WAY. If a friend did to me what he's done, that person would be written off my list. I do think that one should not read this book and believe that all the commitment problems are his. NOTHING happens in our lives by accident. If you are in a world of hurt because of a relationship THIS IS THE BOOK TO READ!