Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon: Not-So-Straight Answers from America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Columnist

by Michael Alvear

Book Overview

Every week, Michael Alvear's gay advice sex columns reach 600,000 readers throughout the U.S., offering advice that is funny, controversial, politically incorrect and medically accurate. Inspired by the huge mainstream success of Dan Savage, these columns are unique in that they are strictly for gay men - telling them everything they need to know about sex. Writing as Woody Woodward, he offers well-lubricated advice drawn from the insights of a gay...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0758202857
• ISBN13: 9780758202857
• Release Date: May 2003
• Publisher: Kensington Publishing Corporation
• Length: 324 Pages
• Weight: 0.88 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.0" x 5.5" x 8.3"

Customer Reviews

Straight Women Love This Book

While reading "How to Get a Six-Figure Cash Advance," by Susan Harrow, I came across a one-page example of pitch letter on "Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon." The title alone evokes such curiosity and expectation that I just had to get a copy of this book. And this book kept me laughing and saying, "Oh really? If this is the case for gay men, I wonder about straight men." "Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon," is a compilation of Alvear's letters and advice from his advice column, written for gay men. He asserts that he writes this column "the way men talk about sex - brutally, with a sense of entitlement, and a breathtaking gift for the gratuitous insult." One of the many hilarious statements that Alvear makes in this book is, "We're the only group I know that can make the pursuit of plain old dog-yard scrumping sound like some noble, spiritual quest for a better life. ... Both gay men and straight men are afraid to admit we want to have a much sex with as many people as we can. Where we diverge is in the strategies we use to cover up our inconvenient natures. Straight men pretend they don't really feel that way; gay men admit they feel that way but for righteous reasons." I tested the interest of this topic on both straight men and straight women, by saying things like, "Have you heard of the empty toilet paper roll test?" And by reading this book in public - the yellow cover with large black letters garnered a great deal of attention. This book intrigues the straight and the gay. Alvear says that gay men are more obsessed with their penis size than straight men. And for those who aren't sure what size "sock" to use on their penis, Alvear advices sticking it in an empty toilet paper roll - if it doesn't go over the length, the man is not extra large. From the first page to the last, I loudly laughed, and learned a great deal about the psychological and medical issues of men (gay and straight) that despite the in-your-face language used by Alvear, this book is an excellent one for readers from age 18 and up, no matter your persuasion.

Going Hog Wild in Bed

This book is too crude for words. I was genuinely shocked by some of the language. But that aside, you can't help but laugh at Alvear's observations of the male psyche. I like the formatting of the book: Questions are bolded; answers are not, making it easier on the eyes. Also, the questions and answers average about 400 words, making it easy on the brain.Although it was clearly not written for women, I was fascinated with the book. Gay men not only own `the equipment' but spend most of their waking hours trying to figure out how to provide pleasure to other owners of the equipment. So it stands to reason that women have a lot to learn from gay men. My favorite question is the only one in the book from a heterosexual man. He wanted to know if his "pretending to be gay to get chicks" was ethical. If the question doesn't hit you over the head with the way men think, Alvear's answer will: "Unethical? It's brilliant."For gay men this book is a no-brainer buy. It's got facts (Only 6% of men need extra-large condoms) and wit ("the best way to make your partner more sexually attractive? Try the dimmer switch") galore. For women however, I'd back off unless you have a high threshold for trash talk. But then, that's the point of the book-to portray the way men REALLY talk about sex. Besides, the title is priceless.

How to Crumble Men into Bacon Bits

The book is a collection of sex advice questions the author tackled in a nationally syndicated column. Alvear has a breathtaking gift for the gratuitous insult ("You want to know how to make your boyfriend more attractive in bed? Try the dimmer switch") but every once in a while, you see another aspect, which is surprising after a string of insulting one-liners: sensitivity. It's like there's an "inner kitten" in his "roaring lion" persona. Take this moving answer on a question about AIDS: "Life isn't worth living without sex, but sex isn't worth dying over. Every gay man lives in relationship to this suffocating contradiction. Every new HIV infection is a gong that vibrates through the gay community, reminding us of our awful dilemma."In chapters ranging from cruising ("How to Stalk Your Prey") to [release] ("The Utter Cream: How to Milk Your Man") Alvear peppers us with humor-laced facts. Average erect size? 5.1 inches. "Unless you're in a chat room," he writes. "Then double it." Men are Pigs is a hilarious read, but take cover if you're easily offended. If this book were a radio station the FCC would pull its license for constantly barking out the seven words you're not allowed to say on the air.

It'll Even Help Women Eat High on the Hog

Though I have lots of gay friends I'm not in the habit of reading gay books. But the title was too good to pass up. Besides, I've always wondered what gay men know about sex that women don't. A lot, it turns out. For instance, I didn't realize that the single most useful thing men can do to improve their sex life is what gynecologists recommend to pregnant women: Kegel exercises. Answering letters from all over the country, Alvear artfully combines irreverence with medical facts. To a reader asking if it's possible for men to develop yeast infections, he writes, "Yes, you can get it through trauma to the penis. And by trauma, I don't mean the kind where the ugly one in the three-way keeps getting in the way. I mean, trauma as in excessive masturbation."With an advisory board of medical doctors, Alvear bootlegs facts into his Dan Savage-like rants. For example, in his most controversial chapter, "Drugs & Alcohol: Substance Abuse or Seduction Technique?" Alvear gleefully recommends the "responsible" use of alcohol because "It'll get you up his crack faster than a thong." But then he cautions us with an important fact: Impotence will start setting in after three and a half drinks for the average 150-lbs man.While I was put off by how graphic the book was, I have to admit that I laughed out loud-a lot. The book is filled with a quirky blend of medical facts, insulting humor, and politically incorrect rants. What keeps it from descending into stand-up shtick is the genuine insights into the male psyche. Alvear even answers the question women have been asking themselves for eternity: Why won't men commit? "Men think of relationships as a bacon and eggs breakfast," he writes. "The chicken is involved; the pig is committed. Men want to be involved."

Kick up yer heels

Covering every conceivable sex guide topic (and a few that don't usually come to mind), Alvear's book is a collection of outtakes from his advice column, "Hey, Woody". His style is sassy and full of wit, and also intelligent, especially in his advocating informative choices when it comes to safe sex and drug use, instead of the usual "Just Say No" approach which every ignores anyway. Alvear knows his audience and speaks clearly to them, and while I may not agree with every answer he gives, I found myself learning a thing or two nonetheless. "Men Are Pigs, but We Love Bacon" is a [book] with attitude.