Male Sexuality: Why Women Don't Understand It-And Men Don't Either

by Michael J. Bader

Book Overview

At first glance the sexual male seems easy to understand, but beneath the surface lie complexities that disrupt lives and relationships. Respected psychologist Michael Bader takes an honest look at the nuances of male sexuality, addressing issues such as sexual boredom, internet sex, and sexual fantasies that can leave women bewildered and men ashamed. Illustrated with engaging examples from his practice, Male Sexuality gives readers, both...

• Format: Hardcover
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0742560694
• ISBN13: 9780742560697
• Release Date: October 2008
• Publisher: Globe Pequot Publishing Group Inc/Bloomsbury
• Length: 168 Pages
• Weight: 0.78 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.8" x 5.7" x 8.5"

Customer Reviews

Compassionate view of the subject matter

This book had the penetrating analysis of classic psychoanalytic works without the "pathologizing" that often goes hand in hand with psychoanalysis. Rather than simply diagnosing with a lot of jargon, Baden approaches the phenomena with the intention of making it understandable in human terms. In reading about many of the sexual dilemmas he discusses, I found myself able to identify with the men in question even when I myself did not have the same dilemmas. There were some dilemmas Baden discussed which I could identify with, and in general I found his discussion of the role of guilt and the tendency to feel "over-responsible" for the feelings of women to be very illuminating. After reading his book, I was able to articulate some of these previously unconscious feelings in my own personal therapy. I recommend the book to anyone who wants to actually understand, rather than condemn or excuse, men whose sexuality expresses itself in ways that cause distress to themselves or their mates.

Courageous attempt to understand without pathologizing or overcondoning

Written with a lot of compassion and insight about how male sexuality often gets formed and manifested in American (or Western) culture. Has very good explanations, among others, of the reasons why men use porn, and why women's reaction to that usage are so often off-base (although perfectly understandable). Overemphasizes in my opinion the role of male guilt in men's relations with women (tends to see it as the sole reason behind men's use of pornography--i.e. that men are simply looking for an experience in which women enjoy being sexual with men without acting hurt, this is a valid reason in my opinion but not necessarily the only one [I also think men use pornography, for example, because it's a way of having an {imaginary} sexual experience with a woman without any possibility of rejection--which has nothing to do with guilt]). Other reviewers who gave this work the lowest-possible rating to me don't seem like they read the same book; they seem like they heard what they thought the author was saying rather than what he actually does say (possibly for political reasons). It is *not* an intellectualized exercise in justifying pornography, in fact he touches on what I would consider a reason for this (mis)reading--many women often feel that if they *understand* men's sexual behavior they will be by definition required to *accept* it without any possible of challenging it--this is of course not the case, the point is to be able to confront it in a way which has a higher chance of achieving a mutually satisfactory resolution since 1) it is based on a deeper psychological understanding of what's behind the behavior(s), and 2) it is done more with a compassionate spirit rather than hostile and/or destructive one. All in all an excellent and healing work, and I look forward to future writings from the author.

Amazingly Illuminating, A Must Read for Men

This was one of the most revelatory books I have read in a while. Even though it is under 200 pages, it took me a long time to read because there was so much in it. Culturally, men are supposed to be these sexual automatons (like the main character on HBO's "Hung") but the reality is that male sexuality is very psychologically complex and this book flushes out the reasons why in a sympathetic and understanding voice. The book really gets into the dichotomy of being male - the simultaneous instincts for intimacy and security and one hand and freedom and limitless on the other. Bader believes that guilt - guilt for being a male, for showing love for someone besides his mother, for having desire for women who ostensibly look at male attraction as something that is domineering - is principally what ails men so much in their sex lives. "Boys grow up with the belief, however irrational, that one of the most basic ways they can potentially hurt women is by simply being male. (23)." "Unfortunately, boys often grow up with the false and painful belief that their separation has hurt their mothers or that their own pride in being masculine is the object of maternal envy. The resulting guilt can cause a range of problems: it can force some boys to play down their difference, suppress their pleasure, or mute their pride in their masculinity (24)." One of the main consequences of this is that men often think that being sexually assertive is distasteful and turns off the opposite sex. Upon feeling guilty, men react by either pushing women away by feeling an exaggerated sense of responsibility for women (I don't want to hurt her, I will hurt her feelings and end up repressing her if we get too close) or objectifying them (more of an aggressive impulse, equating intimacy with a weakening of one's masculine boundaries) [all this on pages 32-33 in the discussion of "ruthlessness."]. "The reason that a woman's need becomes the man's obligation is because of the unconscious belief that he is supposed to satisfy a woman's needs. Caught between feeling resentful that they have to suppress their own needs to make women happy, and feeling guilty about their chronic failure to do so, men are often unable to pursue sexual pleasure with even a momentary disregard for their partners (33)." This is a very illuminating and challenging book that will help men understand what is behind their sexual urges and, hopefully, help more learn to accept themselves with less guilt. And yet, going along with the taboo nature of it, I felt embarrassed reading it. I always read it alone in my room when everyone was out. I feel embarrassed to talk about things in this book with anyone. I'm hoping that books like this will change that.

Eye-opening premise, thorough research

As someone who prefers evidence based psychological stuff over pop-psych Oprah-esque nonsense, Michael Bader's text is solid and revealing. I wish there were more case studies in the work to cover a broader range of the extant continuum of human sexuality and relational differences, but for the mainstream, this is sufficiently thorough. The harder part is finding a therapist who can help couples figure out their pathenogenic beliefs about the other gender and undo them because so many conventional therapists are simply unaware of Bader's work. I fear that much like other men's issues, the mainstream will stick to their pop-psych men are from mars nonsense and perpetuate unnecessary pain in relationships. Bader's work is a must-read if you're a straight man or a woman who loves straight men.

Get Ready to Get It

This book is so much more than "male sexuality" - it's a relationship primer. Dr. Bader is a compassionate, insightful and gifted writer. He obviously knows his stuff, but unlike so many other books written by psychologists, the point isn't for us to know he knows his stuff - it's for US to know his stuff. His humor and storytelling bring this book - and the subject - to life. Highly recommend.