Love and negotiate: Creative conflict in marriage

by John H. Scanzoni

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• Format: Hardcover
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0849901006
• ISBN13: 9780849901003
• Release Date: January 1979
• Publisher: Word Books
• Length: 148 Pages
• Weight: 0.80 lbs.

Customer Reviews

We Can Work It Out

Biblical egalitarians make much of mutual submission as the foundation upon which a Christian marriage should be based. But the question always arises: how is mutual submission actually worked out in every day life? It all sounds fine in theory, but what if the couple reaches an impasse? Doesn't someone have to have the last word? As a Christian sociologist who has written a number of books on sex roles, Scanzoni provides sensible answers to these questions. He believes that negotiation and compromise (a method used by many individuals or groups who have conflicts) is the most biblical and loving way to deal with conflict between husband and wife. Scanzoni begins the book by showing how the hierarchical pattern of marriage--with the husband as final decision maker--produces results incongruent with the New Testament norm for Christian relationships. If some weakness or sin lies in the husband and the wife is not free to help him deal with it, both are harmed. The is not fulfilling her Christian responsibility to exhort and rebuke and the husband is not benefiting and growing as a result of it. The traditional interpretation of male headship also limits the wife's opportunity to be a positive force for change and creativity in the marriage. Her ideas, opinion and beliefs cannot be regarded as conclusive and are therefore not taken as seriously as the husband's. The first third of the book is rich with biblical examples of interpersonal relationships. The desire for justice through negotiation can be seen in Abraham's pleading with God for Sodom, Nathan confronting David or the tensions between the Jewish and Hellenistic Christians in Acts. These passages and many more are the basis for Scanzoni's perspective on love and justice, negotiation, giving and serving. Love never eliminates the need for justice; the latter is always part of the former. Put another way, justice is going the first mile; love is going the second. Conflicts can never be truly resolved unless both parties have a passion for fairness and justice. Only then can they honestly confront and negotiate. Most of the book deals with contemporary examples of conflicts married couples often face. Scanzoni shows how negotiation can resolve differences and stimulate both husband and wife to greater maturity. In spite of many variables and possibilities to cover, the author's principles are carefully explained and his style is clear and easy to follow. One of the most valuable things a couple can practice is to constantly evaluate how the process of conflict is being handled and to build on what has been learned. The author concludes his book by applying the similar principles of negotiation to child rearing, dating (preferably "friending") and relationships between adult singles. This is a valuable book for its common sense practicality and for its basic theory of reciprocity, justice, serving and the limits of giving. I had previously felt certain things to be tru