Imperfect Endings: A Daughter's Tale of Life and Death

by Zoe FitzGerald Carter

Book Overview

- Wrenching, provocative, and surprisingly funny: After twenty years of living with terminal illness, Zoe's mother decided to end her life--and asked her three daughters for their assistance. For months, the decision drags on as her mother changes her methods and schedule, and the negotiations stir up old memories, sibling rivalries, and questions about family loyalty. Eventually there is compromise and courage and Zoe's mother has her happy -- if...

• Format: Hardcover
• Language: English
• ISBN: 1439148244
• ISBN13: 9781439148242
• Release Date: March 2010
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Length: 256 Pages
• Weight: 1.00 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.1" x 6.2" x 9.3"

Customer Reviews

A gripping story of a mother's wish to die

I couldn't in my wildest dreams have imagined a book like this! A book about a debilitated mother's determination to end her life and enlist the help of her daughters to do so. But here it is, and it's a captivating story told by one of the daughters, Zoe Fitzgerald Carter. For Carter, the experience is emotionally draining. She is repeatedly dragged to her mother's bedside from the opposite coast, the date and method of "self-delivery" continually changing. They meet with a volunteer from the Hemlock Society, the "guide" who would ensure the suicide is effective, and to intervene and finish the job if it is not. The scenes between the mother, her daughters, her caregivers and friends are almost surreal, as the mother's determination grows and she lets more and more people in on her plan. Carter and her sisters struggle to get their mother to see that her plan endangers their lives, leaving them vulnerable to prosecution and imprisonment. Not only that, but they want her to see that they love her and don't want her to die. Isn't that enough for her? they want to know. Apparently not, a reality that sends the author into even more tangents of grief. Does her mother not even love them enough to stay around for them? This is an acutely observed and finely written story. I literally could not put the book down. I know it's a cliche, but in this case it was entirely true. The reader understands everyone's point of view, roots for both mother and daughters, can't imagine how the struggle will end. At first, I was put off by the author's anger, her snarkiness, her brusque treatment of her mother and even her ennui. But then I turned the situation in on myself: How would I react if it were me in her place? Probably no better. If you want to read a nonfiction book that deals with euthanasia from a theological and philosophical point of view, I would suggest The Right to Die?: Caring Alternatives to Euthanasia. It addresses a central point of this book: When does a person's right to die in his or her own way impinge on the right of another person not to assist in a suicide? Carter and her sisters wrestle endlessly with this issue. Even if the dilemma seems resolved at the end of the book, I imagine no life's ending is ever perfect even if rationally chosen -- as the title of the book hints at -- and the psychological reverberations for the daughters will never really end.

A brave and important memoir

"Imperfect Endings: A Daughters Tale of Life and Death" by Zoe Fitzgerald Carter is a brave and important memoir on many levels. It's a remarkable story about Zoe, the care-giver's journey as a daughter, wife, and mother and a tribute to the joys and sorrows of her parents and two sisters. It also highlights the moral and practical dilemmas around Margaret, her mother's desire for an assisted suicide with her daughters present. Her mother said she was tired of living with Parkinson's disease and did not want to go where the illness was taking her. As Zoe, "the good daughter," and her two older sisters negotiate their mother's choice old animosities and alliances are stirred up. Also memories of their now deceased father's alcoholism and philandering and their mother's strength, beauty and co-dependence. Zoe's poetic writing captures the agony of ambivalence. Disapproving of her mother's determination to die yet wanting to support her. Understanding she's in pain yet wanting her around. Zoe confesses, "I've come to view this constant, inexplicable tenderness in my back as a physical manifestation of my mother...I've been hauling her around for so long, it feels like a part of me, an extra limb, so familiar I barely notice it." When Zoe is unable to convince her mother to abandon her plans she supports her as best she can by helping her explore different suicide methods such as a lethal dose of drugs from a psychiatrist, meeting a representative from the Hemlock Society and refusing food and water. "Imperfect Endings" is a powerful, passionate and uplifting story about love and letting go.

Imperfect Endings

I remember when I picked up Zoe's book Imperfect Endings I was going to just read the first few pages to get a sense of the book. Well, I was drawn in immediately and kept turning the pages well past the time I was planning to go to bed. I was impressed by the truthfulness of the author in telling her story. Zoe deals with difficult subjects about her life and her mother's impending death in a way that makes it feel like you are talking to a good friend who trusts you to understand and hold her feelings. As a reader and simply as a human being it is a wonderful feeling to be given that place of honor to be trusted to hear when someone opens their heart to tell you their experience. When one reads Imperfect Endings one joins Zoe on the ride that she and her family take in being a part of her mother's wish to end her life with ease and dignity. The subject is one that our society is uncomfortable with, but the way in which Zoe tells her story she shows how she kept her humor, her deep love for her family , and her life flowing through rough times and sweet poignant moments. I can definitely recommend this book to anyone who wants to feel their heart open with new understanding and love for a family that went through a difficult journey and came out the other side whole.

Best book on this topic ever!

This book covers a complex subject (a mother's wish to be able to self-deliver at the end of her life) and her daughter (Zoe's) relationship to her mother's wishes which go against her own feelings. It is beautifully written, and poignantly accurate on an emotional level. For anyone who has ever had to confront this experience- whether it be losing a parent, or a friend who wishes to end their own life because they are sick or near death-- this book hits all the issues. I often found myself crying through the book because Zoe is so achingly honest and self-revealing. She does not try to paint a bright picture of this process but rather allows the reader to follow along with all the conflictual feelings and catch a rare glimpse of a rarely talked about experience. This is a brave new work--- on a long overdue discussion. Bravo! Highly recommend. Laura Rifkin, Ph.D.

A Moving and Perceptive Memoir about a Mother and a Time and Place

Zoe Carter's memoir about her mother's decision to die is a beautifully written account of dealing with a charming and maddeningly headstrong parent wrestling with the end of life. It is also much more: a fascinating family history, chapters alternating between the author's recollections of her childhood and her account of her mother's final days; a moving meditation on the ironies of family dynamics--how our past shapes us, and we shape our children's futures; and a detailed evocation of a particular kind of life in a particular time and place. She grapples with the complex and ambiguous issues that will become ever more commonplace as an aging population faces life being extended beyond the capacity to live it in dignity and comfort. I recommend it highly. WG LOCKE