If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World

by Dan Neuharth

Book Overview

Dan Neuharth's book demystifies much within our pasts that can hurt our intimate relationships in ways we may not even realize. If You Had Controlling Parents helps spark understanding and acceptance across generations. -- John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

Do you sometimes feel as if you are living your life to please others? Do you give other people the benefit of the doubt but second-guess...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0060929324
• ISBN13: 9780060929329
• Release Date: September 1999
• Publisher: Harper Perennial
• Length: 272 Pages
• Weight: 0.50 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.7" x 5.4" x 8.2"

Customer Reviews

fantastic book

This book was written for those of us who grew up in an unhealthy environment, and had parents who controlled us in unhealthy ways. The author emphasizes working through our issues as adults, not playing "blame games." Interviews with people from all walks of life are liberally quoted throughout each chapter. What makes this book exceptional is that the author is advocating education and change, not revenge. He shows how examining your parents' history in detail can help you heal and move forward as a fully functioning adult free to make decisions based on something else than what your parents' would say. Controlling parents don't have to be outwardly abusive nor do they always have malevolent intentions towards their children. However, trauma stays with a person and its after-effects can be passed on to the next generation.The author clearly contrasts unhealthy with healthy parenting and offers checklists to help the reader. He explores why people overcontrol, and he provides exercises to help the reader work through his or her feelings. Most helpfully, he reiterates that it was not the reader's fault, and it is not required that the reader change - but if he or she begins to explore that possibility, it can lead to great rewards.

very real and I can relate to so much

This was the first book I bought to help me get through the long journey of healing that I am beginning now after years and years of abuse. I started to read it and couldn't put it down. I was reading so much about my own life that I couldnt wait to see what else it said. I come from a family of emotional, verbal and physical abuse and have constantly struggled with feelings of anger, sadness, resentment and guilt. This book opened my eyes to alot of things I didn't know but also made me feel like I'm not crazy, this did happen to me and I have a right to feel how I do. It helped myself feel stronger and stern about having my own emotions and not ignoring how I feel. I definitely think this book can help you learn if your parents controlled you and what you should do about it now, especially if they are still doing it. I think that this book can help, but I think that someone who has gone through what is discussed in this book, should also seek therapy to heal as well.

A spark of hope has entered my life........

This book is one of the best self help books I have read in a long time. It dealt more with the emotional than the physical abuse in childhood. I have always had a hard time because to me emotional abuse specially when mixed with religion can be so easily justified in your mind. You can feel like "something is really wrong here", but then in the same breath say "well they love me so much and are just obeying God and what he requires of parents". I have been eaten up with guilt for the rebellion against my parents that I displayed as a teenager. Now though I realize I rebelled against their control, not against them inorder to hurt them or make them miserable. I read this book, started seeing a therapist and confronted my parents and let me tell you how much freedom I feel for the first time in life. I actually feel happy, and a great sense of hope. What do I owe my parents? Why am I so fearful of hurting their feelings? Why can't I just do what is healthy for me? The book answered these questions and the exercises were wonderful. We need more books like this one because obviously there is a problem in parenting that needs to be looked at and changed fast! Kids are becoming more violent, less respectful of authority, and completely losing any conscience what-so-ever. So if I can break the generation sin that has been passed down for generations, then I am thankful I was put in the home I was put in and strong enough to SURVIVE!

A book to understand sibling rivalry in "adult children"ÿ

I am a fifty-one year old single parent and college professor who, on the outside, appears to have a successful life. My career goals have been met--twice--and my appearance is one of a confident female in her field. My two children are in college and doing well in this age of disconnectedness between parents and children, What my friends and colleagues do not see is my inner life of poorly chosen relationships, broken dreams, self-hate, and fear of failure. After years of therapy, I knew that there was something not right in my original family--sibling agression, phobias, etc.--that I feared confronting. Through Dr. Neuharth's book, I targeted the problem and now know I am not unique in being a child of controlling parents, and that my siblings are struggling with their own self-doubt and fear. This book takes a simple approach to understanding a complex problem by explaining why so many of us are still struggling with just trying to grow up. What a revelation!I recommend this book to anyone who feels there is a problem with themselves but are not able to put their finger on the reason and who would like to finally do so. The format of checklists with dialog cuts to the chase without having to read through volumes of related literature.I have sent copies to my brothers and sisters and can now feel 'okay' about my decision to put space between my parents and me while I learn to deal with the situation. This was the best book I have ever read to sort out the "whys" of my feelings: a definite 'MUST-READ'!

I wish this book had been written 15 years ago.

I have been dealing with the damage caused by my controlling parents since I was 18. All my friends use to tell me, " It's in the past, get over it". Easy for those Jocks to say. My parents(both dad and "GOD FEARING" mother)used to say the classic lines: I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND I WILL TAKE YOU OUT, HONOR YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER..FOR YOUR DAYS SHALL BE LONGER, and my favorite YOU OWE ME LIFE. My biggest fears of getting married and having kids was that one day I will find myself saying one of those phrases to my children. Thanks to this book..I won't. The problem with people who grew up controlled(like myself) is that you find yourself doing the same thing to your siblings, your friends, or even your own children. Thats what happened to me. I could also write a book title "MY PERFECTIONISTIC BEHAVIOR and the FRIENDS I LOST. Kudos to Dr. Neuharth and thank-you for providing the book with exercises to help in the healing process. You are definetly a life-saver. I'm going to purchase the cassette also so I can play in my car and hear the good doctor's voice.