I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationship

by Joy Saunders Lundberg and Gary B. Lundberg

Book Overview

In their weekly radio show and in their popular workshops, Gary and Joy Lundberg have already helped thousands of people and their families to communicate more effectively. Now, the Lundbergs address an all too common dilemma that arises when others expect you to solve their problems for them, showing readers how they can shed the no-win role of "fixer" and empower people to solve their own problems through validation--a simple yet profound...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0140286438
• ISBN13: 9780140286434
• Release Date: May 2000
• Publisher: Penguin Books
• Length: 336 Pages
• Weight: 0.55 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.6" x 5.1" x 8.0"
• Age Range: 18 years and up
• Grade Range: Postsecondary and higher

Customer Reviews

I Really DONT Have To Make Everything (underlined) All Better

I somehow thought I did. This book helped me realize Im actually doing those Im a 'fixer' for a disservice and stunting their social and psychological growth. Not to mention mine! They are stunted and I am stressed. This is no way to be and this book gives you the courage and tools to help people help themselves more. Highly recommend. P.S, I bought one for my grown daughter as well.

Takes A Real Load Off My Mind!! Thank You!

After trying to solve others problems, encourage them, give them advice, no matter how great I thought they were, this book awakened me to the idea of letting others come up with their own answers and how I could stop allowing myself to be emotionally manipulated. I feel like I have just come out of a coma in this area. Until now I never understood what people really wanted when they started unloading their feelings and problems to me. They didn't want me to solve their propblems or fix their lives, they simply wanted their feelings validated so they could then come up with their own solutions. For me this is the most valuable information I have found in the last 15 years.The applications for use of this information are unlimited. I was speaking with a very successful collections agent. As we were talking, the subject of validating people's feelings came up. She told me that this was her secret to collecting on accounts that no one else had been able to. For me the possiblities for applications of these concepts in all of my personal and business relationships is fantastic. Thank you Gary & Joy

EVERYONE needs this book!

I am not one to read self-help type of books, but upon special recommendation I read this one. I am SO GLAD I did. Joy and Gary have hit upon the very nerve of all realationships, giving us invaluable tools to improve damaging relationships, and enrich good ones. As I have applied the six principles discussed in the book there has been greater wisdom and joy in my home, and more peace in my own mind. My goal now is to keep these steps in practice, and by example teach them to my children thus helping them enjoy thier lives all the more. Contention disappears, and stress lessens when these steps are applied. There isn't a person alive who couldn't use the great benefits of this book.

Very highly recommend - most valuable book I've ever read!

The principles in this book are applicable to any and all relationships in your life. It is very well written, easy to read and the real-life examples used are very relevant and illuminating. You will think twice before using the words 'should' and 'ought' in communicating with people after reading this, and will undoubtedly become a much better listener!

Validation has changed my life

Validation has changed my life. I have just finished reading "You Don't Have To Make It All Better", It is one of those "I'd wished I'd know it then", things. I have a difficult 17 year old, validation has literally given us back a relationship. I also taught the concept to my 21 year old son and his girlfriend in their struggling relationship. I saw a difference in their attitudes over night. I can't begin to share with you all the stories that validation has given to me. Thank you so much for your efforts in writing the book and bringing to light what I have found to be truth.

The Best Relationship Book I've Ever Read!

I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better, the title caught my eye as I browsed through an airport bookstore. The first thought that came to my mind was, "I wish that were true." At the time I was heavy with personal and relationship issues and the title made me curious so I bought the book. As I read this book over the next couple of days issues in my relationships became amazingly clear. I kept thinking, "Yes, yes, this is it! This is what I need to be applying in my marriage and in all my relationships!" Each page seemed incredibly simple and practical and, at the same time, profound and powerful. As I took in the content, I first thought about myself and my relationships, especially my relationship with my wife and kids. Then I thought about everyone I knew and worked with. I have worked with people one on one and in small groups for the past 18 years, and I kept thinking, "Everyone needs this book!" The principles in this book hit right at the heart of relationships. The Lundbergs insightfully reveal that all of us need to know that we are of worth, that we matter to those around us. We all want to be valued and listened to. However most people don't feel listened to. Most of us don't listen well to others, even the people we love the most. Instead of listening most of us tend to think about our own situation or problems, or we begin to formulate well meaning "advice" we can give to "fix" that person. In so doing we inevitably invalidate that person and begin a process of negative relating for everyone involved. In contrast, the Lundbergs present 6 very simple, practical principles that, when applied, will empower the people and relationships we care about. In a nutshell they practically demonstrate that when we listen - when we truely listen to those we care about, without becoming defensive or thinking about how to "fix" them, we in essence validate them. When people feel validated they are empowered to solve their own struggles and problems with you walking beside them. My wife had told me for years that I did not "validate" her experience, her emotions, her opinions. After reading this book I finally knew what she meant. I meant well by trying to encourage and give advice, but I had never truely listened to her. Once I began applying the principles in this book I felt freed up from always trying to "fix" her and she felt empowered and respected more fully by me. In the work that I do I have literally read 100's of books in the past 18 years - most of them dealing with relationships and leadership. This is the best book I have read on either topic! Get this book, read it, apply it, and share it with others! Dan Christensen