How to Negotiate with Kids... Even When You Think You Shouldn't: 7 Essential Skills to End Conflict and Bring More Joy Into Your Family

by Scott Brown

Book Overview

A founder of the world-famous Harvard Negotiation Project, coauthor of "Getting Together" and a father of four, adapts his highly acclaimed techniques to teach parents how to reduce conflict and... This description may be from another edition of this product.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0142003980
• ISBN13: 9780142003985
• Release Date: February 2004
• Publisher: Penguin Group
• Length: 218 Pages
• Weight: 0.45 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.6" x 5.4" x 8.0"

Customer Reviews

Most useful parenting book on my shelf

I have to admit to being somewhat skeptical about this book's premise. After all, most of the parenting books I've read lately tend to dwell on the importance of strict rules, discipline, and the pitfalls of being a pushover parent. Given that, what's to negotiate?Actually, a lot of things. After a certain age, I found it physically impossible to "make" my child do anything. On the few occasions I tried, usually because of perceived lack of time or energy, the net effect was a much greater cost of time and energy for both of us. Of greatest concern to me, however, was the potential for damage to our long-term relationship. Eventually I came to realize that the negotiation approach is the only way to realize a happy, peaceful domestic life, and had been (perhaps subconsciously) using it to help my child behave more responsibly. Mr. Brown's book helped me view these interactions as part of a well-understood process, and provided me with some valuable new tools to employ. I would highly recommend it to any parent.By the way, the techniques covered in the book are equally effective with other family members (such as one's spouse!)

For me, a life-changing book

Scott Brown has given my life with my children more perspective than any other book. This book is amazing, and yet, nothing in there is all that earth-shattering. I took away from the book a few key points:1. Keep your emotions in check.2. Don't respond emotionally to your child, but do show your emotions (read the book to find out how!)3. Name yours and your child's emotions4. Truly try to understand what is going on in your child's head -- and don't guess why, ASK!5. Involve your child in decision-making -- and this includes when you decide the consequences!6. Persuade, don't coerce, your child to see your point.7. Be willing to be flexible and allow your child to change your mind.I had a revelation as I read the book that the way he talks about handling your children is how I handle conflict at work. At work, and even in my personal life (other than the kids) -- I am pretty universally known as a consensus-builder. I never force people to do what I want them to do, but I work really hard at persuading people to work with me to come up with a win-win solution for all of us. Yet with my kids, I yell at them to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I don't treat them, and their opinions, with the respect I give my co-workers and friends! How sad is that? The best thing about the book is in the description of conflicts that we all have with our kids, and the way the same situation could have been solved using his methods. All the arguments are so accurately written that I actually laughed out loud (and was sometimes a little sad). When Brown re-wrote the scenario, using a negotiation method, it all made perfect sense. Does it take longer to negotiate? Yes. Is it really hard to keep your emotions in check? Unbelievably! But it really seems to work.In short, buy this book. I intend to buy copies for everyone I know.

Quick Help

An easy read that can change the way you interact with children immediately. The sample negotiations are realistic, practical and engaging. So many books of this ilk are too preachy or verbose; not only is the book helpful, but it is enjoyable to read.

Great book!!!

I just read this book and love it! Arguments with my kids are always stressful. I love some of his ideas for getting our emotions under control and helping our kids control their emotions, too -- they really help! If you argue with your kids, you should read this book.

A Better Parent

This book has made me a better parent. I read it with a sense that it would affirm much of what I already do, but found that it challenged me to better understand my children's point of view -- not necessarily agree with it or give in to it -- but at least take the time to understand it. I think this book has done more for my skills as a parent than any of the half-dozen parenting books I have read and I've read many good, well-regarded books. The best point in my opinion is the advice about how to disentangle strong emotions from arguments, conflict, debates and negotiations with children. Easier said than done, but the book offers some very helpful ideas about how to stay calm, listen and empathize without accepting or rejecting your child's wishes. When our emotions are triggered, so are our children's and much good rarely comes from two very emotionally raw people going at it. The book also helped me see how withering it can be for the child in these fraught interactions. I strongly recommend the book. It has helped me in many interactions I've had in the short time since I read it.