How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--And Why--Love Doesn't Work

by Howard M. Halpern

Book Overview

Are you in love--or addicted? How to know when to call it quits...and how to find the courage to call it quits. Are you unable to leave a love relationship even though it gives you more pain than joy? Your judgment and self-respect tell you to end it, but still, to your dismay, you hang on. You are addicted--to a person. Now there is an insightful, step-by-step guide to breaking that addiction--and surviving the split. Drawing on dozens of provocative...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0553382497
• ISBN13: 9780553382495
• Release Date: December 2003
• Publisher: Bantam
• Length: 272 Pages
• Weight: 0.50 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.6" x 5.4" x 8.2"

Customer Reviews

Best relationship and self help books I've ever read

I read the book Attached, by Amir Lavine a few years ago. It was amazing. Since then I've read quite a few books in the hopes of learning more about attachment disorders; anxiously attached, avoidantly attached, and securly attached people. This book dives fearlessly down that rabbit hole. It explains panic of abandonment from even the most unhealthy relationships. Why someone calls their significant other 15 times in 20 minutes. Why some people can't give up on a significant other who is repeating the same pattern of undermining or failing to support your strengths and self-confidence. It explains the emotional roller coaster kind of relationship and how it is common in a troubled love relationship. He says positive emotions, like joy, trust, and love, may alternate, sometimes rapidly with disturbing emotions such as depression, jealousy, and hate. He describes when a person feels inadequate, incomplete, insecure, and unhappy without a particular other person, he becomes dependent on the other person to make them feel adequate, complete, secure, and happy. He even explains jealousy, and how it is particularly important in to context of interpersonal addiction because it can lead you to overvalue and therefore remain with a person who is bad for you. And one of the most important steps you could take in loosening the addiction is becoming aware of how much you're jealousy can cause you to elevate your partner and to recognize that it is possible to feel jealousy towards someone you don't love, whom you don't like, and even towards someone you heartily dislike, if attachment hunger and other early feelings are at work. This is one of the best relationship and self help books I've ever read

This book literally saved me!

I was caught in an addictive relationship that was on-again, off-again for years. I read so many books over the last couple of years, some of which I wrote reviews for. Some of the books helped a lot - such as The Emotionally Unavailable Man and How to Survive the Loss of a Love - but this book, How to Break Your Addiction to a Person, has been the one that saved me. And I mean it literally; I was actually starting to feel suicidal. I've always been a sensible girl, so before I met this man, I would've thought it impossible to ever feel suicidal over some guy. But that's the power of addiction, I guess - it can make you feel like you can't live without the person. Your thinking becomes distorted and raw emotions take over. I guess a certain type of person can touch that needy part of you and then addiction takes over. It's now been about 4 months since the "final" breakup and honestly, I don't know how I would've survived it without this book. EVERY DAY I start and end the day by flipping through these pages re-reading my underlined and highlighted notes. Every day I find something in this book to help me feel a little stronger. I'm just now (after 4 months) starting to have a good day every now and then - not every day, but occasionally, and it's enough to remind me that I will be over him someday. It's a long, hard process, but it is possible to heal. The other books I've read were helpful, but I would trade them all for this one book. This book helps you understand how you got to this point, how to become stronger and break the addiction, and how to keep this from happening again. And understanding is half the battle, right? I highly recommend buying this book (as opposed to borrowing it from someone or the library) so that you can dog-ear the pages and highlight things for future reference. You may need to go back to it over and over again as you go through the withdrawal process. Best of luck to anyone else who is struggling with this - my heart goes out to you. I've learned from my own experience that this is one of the worst kinds of emotional pain there is.

This book literally saved me!

I was caught in an addictive relationship that was on-again, off-again for years. I read so many books over the last couple of years, some of which I wrote reviews for. Some of the books helped a lot - such as The Emotionally Unavailable Man and How to Survive the Loss of a Love - but this book, How to Break Your Addiction to a Person, has been the one that saved me. And I mean it literally; I was actually starting to feel suicidal. I've always been a sensible girl, so before I met this man, I would've thought it impossible to ever feel suicidal over some guy. But that's the power of addiction, I guess - it can make you feel like you can't live without the person. Your thinking becomes distorted and raw emotions take over. I guess a certain type of person can touch that needy part of you and then addiction takes over. It's now been about 4 months since the "final" breakup and honestly, I don't know how I would've survived it without this book. EVERY DAY I start and end the day by flipping through these pages re-reading my underlined and highlighted notes. Every day I find something in this book to help me feel a little stronger. I'm just now (after 4 months) starting to have a good day every now and then - not every day, but occasionally, and it's enough to remind me that I will be over him someday. It's a long, hard process, but it is possible to heal. The other books I've read were helpful, but I would trade them all for this one book. This book helps you understand how you got to this point, how to become stronger and break the addiction, and how to keep this from happening again. And understanding is half the battle, right? I highly recommend buying this book (as opposed to borrowing it from someone or the library) so that you can dog-ear the pages and highlight things for future reference. You may need to go back to it over and over again as you go through the withdrawal process. Best of luck to anyone else who is struggling with this - my heart goes out to you. I've learned from my own experience that this is one of the worst kinds of emotional pain there is. UPDATE (as of 2009): I saw this review in my profile when I was updating my picture... Wow, I'd almost forgotten it was THIS bad after the break-up. Just want to let folks know that life really does go on. There's still a little bit of lingering sadness about the whole experience, but it doesn't hurt like it used to. I don't know why that ONE guy had such a powerful effect on me, but he did. I believe I'm actually stronger now for having had the experience. I still have this book on my shelf... it's been quite some time since I looked at it, but it's still there. Even though other guys haven't affected me in the same way, I do think that what I learned from this book about addictive relationships has helped me avoid getting caught in the trap again. So well over 2 years since I first wrote the review, I'm still grateful for this book.

Excellent Book

This book will answer all of your questions concerning love versus addiction. I read this book twice and highlighted so many areas in the book that I could relate to. I bought so many self-help books but this one is by far the best. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is unsure of their relationship. I was in a very unhealthy relationship for the past 7 1/2 years. I read the book and decided enough was enough. I am no longer in the relationship. I'm not saying that it's easy but when I find myself missing him or wondering if I did the right thing, I read the parts that I highlighted in the book and know that I did the right thing by letting go. There was nothing that I was able to do any different to save this relationship.I realized that he was the one with the problem and there was nothing that I could do about it. Had I stayed for the sake of not being lonely, in the long run, I only would've been miserable and wasted another 7 1/2 years. And to not be lonely is not a good reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship or any relationship. I'm only sorry it took me this long to find out but on the flip side at least I did found out and can finally move on. If you find yourself wondering about your relationship, please get this book. It could be just what you're looking for.

The Best of the Genre

I broke up with my boyfriend so many times I couldn't count them, but always took him back, or went back to him until I couldn't see straight. Why couldn't I let this man go, who treated me badly and with no respect? This book explained it very well and walked me through the why's and how's. I learned more about me from this book than months of therapy. I simply could not put it down - there was so much in there that spoke directly to me and my situation. If you want to leave a person but can't - or in my situation - already left him/her and are an emotional, self-doubting wreck because of it - GET THIS BOOK!!

This book saved my life

I was in a deep depression over fear of losing someone I loved. I have always been anxious and upset about people leaving me. When I felt like I was going to die, I bought this book in hopes of helping me get over feeling so rejected. It really saved my life. It made me realize once and for all why my relationships consistently dont work out even when they seem right. It gave me clear, concise and helpful activities and exercises to do everyday that helped me recover from needing someone so badly. It helped me feel more independent, in control and confident in my life. It helped me to understand why I am the way I am and it used very specific behavioral conditioning to help me change that. This book is not an easy way out. It is not a quick fix for your life. It tells the truth and provides a clear plan that you would implement over a period of time to help you to stop depending on and needing people. It takes work and dedication but it is worth every ounce of self confidence and independence you will feel after getting over your addiction. Helpful for both those who are in an addictive relationship and those who have just left one.