He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

by Julia Sokol and Steven Carter

Book Overview

Available for the first time in paperback, this follow-up to the phenomenally successful Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life scenarios, and written with...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0440506255
• ISBN13: 9780440506256
• Release Date: January 1995
• Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
• Length: 352 Pages
• Weight: 0.92 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.0" x 5.2" x 7.9"

Customer Reviews

Should Be A Reading Requirement

for online dating! This book was mentioned to me by a guy friend who said he'd read it because he has some committment issues. My gosh, I wish I'd read this 10 years ago. There is was, line for line-a description of some of the most frustrating men I've met and been baffled by, even to the part about offering lavish gifts or outlandish vacation offers, as a way to get a person's attention early on. I laughed my sides off. It was liberating. I don't care that there were no real "solutions" other than the few offered. The main thing I heard, and heard loudly was...run! Don't take it personally, it's not about YOU, it's about them and generally the man (or woman) described was pretty miserable about being so unable to work thru this problem, and without couples counseling, personal counseling will probably not help them much. I found some of myself in the book, too. Funny thing...it clicked when the authors mentioned "claustrophibic" as being a sometimes trait. I'm mildly claustrophobic, so I started to really read on. I loved it. Thank you, thank you thank you R!

If only I had known....

Had I read this 2 years ago, I could have saved myself a lot of time, demoralizing heartache, frustration, and yes, money (living up to a committmentphobe's fantasies not only deflates your self-worth, but your bank account as well). Finally someone explained to me why after ending a relationship with a man who set up unreasonable boundaries, evaded talking about the future, withdrew emotionally, and maintained "friendships" with ex-lovers...I STILL COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS JERK! I knew that the fact I had not been able to let go was my problem and not his, and this book explained it very clearly: I'm just as afraid of committment as the obvious "committmentphobe", and it's been the emotional hook that's kept me from detaching. The chapter on Runners and Chasers could have been written about me and my ex, and I was the passive and willing participant in the push/pull dance. I can congratulate myself for getting out after only a year of this nonsense. Moving on has been hell, but finding this book has been a huge help in taking the first step in resolving my own fears of sharing life with another person.I hope that Carter and Sokol write some follow-up books to help those of us who truly want committed relationships but are afraid to realize them.

The first step to Stopping the Pattern

I wanted insight on how to spot people with comittment problems. Well, I didn't think I was one of them until I read this book. I always thought it was the other person. I couldn't believe how well the book profiled my feelings/reactions and my partner's actions/reactions during the course of our relationship. I mean almost to the "T." It oulines all the techniques people use (both active and passive comittment avoiders) to create distance in the relationship and when they tend to use them. I recognized nearly every one of them and felt as though the authors had actually been there experiencing them with me. The book helped me realize I wasn't crazy since "good" events tend to trigger the fear and the subsequent actions. I like the level of detail provided because being aware of how these relationships begin, play out, and end is the first step to stopping the pattern. Don't be surprised if you go through a range of emotions as you read the book. Anger may be the most prominent one, if you are the "Passive Avoider." What helped me through my anger at my partner was thinking back on how I played a role in allowing the relationship to unfold as it did, and thinking about why I was vulnerable to the behavior patterns of the "active avoider." By the way, I have played both roles. Taking accountibility for my part in the destructive pattern actually helped enable me to feel empowered that I can/will change the pattern. Reading the book hasn't made it any less difficult to let go of my feelings about my current partner, but it has helped me understand it is essential to let go, and I can't pretend "not to know" anymore. If you have a pattern of relationships that just haven't worked, I strongly, strongly urge you to read this before you inflict further pain on yourself or another.

Wonder why the relationship of your dreams didn't work out?

Here's the book to help figure you out.Thanks to a friend who made me very angry by sending me this unannounced, I'm closer now to realizing why I always walk away from relationships & haven't found "Mr. Right" yet. Or when I do find them, why all the Mr. Right's walk away from me. If you think you're fine but can't figure out why you don't have a good relationship with a healthy person, this book is for you. Read it over and over and absorb it and eventually the denial will wear off and you'll realize that maybe it's YOU. Easy to read with lots of stories, but difficult to pinpoint yourself at first, you'll find this book best for reading when someone you want walks away from you...especially if you're the one used to walking away!Read this especially if you think you have no problems with commitment. It's the book that just may turn your relationships around, but only if you're willing to apply the good advice in it.

Some glue for my shredded heart...

SOS! If you are looking for one last reason to finally make the break from that one "on again/off again" person who has made your life miserable, this book will empower you - or, at the very least, give you a great deal to cry about. Because you DO deserve better! I have been involved for 5 long, sad, painful, happy, loving years with a man who will NEVER commit to me. It has been on and off for so long. One minute he tells me he loves me, the next he has disappeared into never never land. He is a runner, a dreamer, a liar and a deceitful wretch and I am worthy of so much more. Alas, I was certain that I would be the one to rescue him from himself. Not a chance. Last July, while being stood up for a night out after having been apart for 6 months, I meandered to the local mall and found "Men Who Can't Love." I read it cover to cover and then gave it to him the next night. He broke up with me only to come back months later begging for mercy. I fell again. The man gave me 24 hours last year. Last Christmas, he professed his undying love for me ... four days later, when I pressed for a commitment... well, I haven't heard from him since (3 weeks). If this sounds like you, read this and GET OUT! And then send the highlighted copy to your commitmentphobic begging him to seek help before he hurts the next person. Great examples in this book. It was as if the authors had a direct line into my world. A good buy - better than therapy.