Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship

by M. Gary Neuman

Book Overview

What's holding you back from a great marriage? "I don't believe in 'okay, ' 'decent, ' or 'solid' marriages. I'm against them," says M. Gary Neuman. "I believe only in great marriages, and that you should expect and reach for no less." In the last fifteen years, M. Gary Neuman, marital therapist and architect of the Sandcastles Divorce Therapy Program, has helped thousands of couples in crisis. Couples who fight. Who've grown apart. Who are stuck...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0609810006
• ISBN13: 9780609810002
• Release Date: September 2002
• Publisher: Harmony/Rodale/Convergent
• Length: 320 Pages
• Weight: 0.57 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.7" x 5.2" x 8.0"

Customer Reviews

Eyes Wide Open

The opening of Stanley Kubrick's last film, "Eyes Wide Shut," presents the depiction of contemporary marital relationship enlightenment: A well-educated upper middle class couple go to a Christmas party where, individually, the husband and the wife are approached by members of the opposite sex. The husband has meaningless banter with two women and the wife shares conversation and a dance with an older man. The husband's encounter is interrupted when his services as a doctor are required by the party's host, a rich man having an affair virtually under his wife's nose, and the wife counters her dancing partner's increasingly suggestive advances by holding up her hand, displaying her marital band, and stating ". . . I'm married." Soon after, the wife needles her husband with his actions at the party, asking what he did with the two women who approached him, while the man asks about "that guy you were dancing with." This prologue triggers a psychological odyssey by both partners wherein they ultimately come to realize, perhaps with tragic insufficiency, that they have been playing with each others feelings while being almost completely unaware of their own motivations. Gary Neuman's book similarly delves into the psyche of its readers, challenging us to examine our own encounters with members of the opposite sex. He asks us to question what it is we are honestly looking for when we meet or speak with someone outside of our primary relationship, and he doesn't allow us to get ourselves "off the hook" easily. Unfortunately several critical reviews of this book border on naivete. I don't see where the author is suggesting that strong emotional ties can't exist outside of a committed relationship. The danger comes when, in such a relationship, people lack the self-awareness to understand, if not their own motivations, those of the person they have developed such a bond with. People often trick themselves, wittingly or unwittingly, into believing that an emotional attachment outside of their primary relationship is healthy when, in fact, it is taking time and attention from one's committed partner. One need only look at the divorce rate to understand that there is a serious problem with commitment and fidelity in our current society, and, as statistics prove, those who stray often do so with someone they have developed a previously platonic bond with. Vigilance needs to be the catch-word in one's relationships with anyone outside of a primary relationship; vigilance in assessing one's own motivations as well as those of the supposedly platonic partner. I have witnessed numerous instances of people who, although open with their spouses about their own intentions and dealings with a friend, are completely unaware of the friend's true intentions (which can change and grow over time). Things to consider: Is the friend in a committed relationship or single (and does the friend's own significant partner, if any, know of and approve of this alliance)? Do

When Marriage Counseling Hasn't Helped...

Thank you, Gary Neuman, for graciously expressing the heart of the marriage promise...and how certain assumptions weasel their way between spouses and reduce what should be the most profound and requiting relationship of one's life to merely a working arrangement between acquaintances or worse, divorce. I wish more counselors would read this book...and quit trying to fix the deeper problems of troubled marriages by advising us how to "fight fair", "communicate effectively" and "discover your own sense of identity." This book is on target about how spouses waste their energy on others instead of protecting and investing themselves in one another. Also of note: Great practical guidelines for men and women to follow if they want to have a marriage - and reputation - of integrity!

The Most Helpful Book I Have Ever Read

When I started this book I was having marital issues. But after I read the entire book I was back on track. Thanks to this book my husband and I are able to have a great relationship. We have our date night without the kids, and are able to spend quality time with each other. I recommend this book to not only those with marital troubles, but those who are in love and want to improve their marriage.

This book requires an open mind

I have only really looked at the first chapter of this book and skimmed some other parts. I feel the book certainly gives you something to think about. In fact, perhaps it gives you ideas and suggestions that you may feel are completely outrageous, like being friends with people of the opposite sex outside marriage. I think this is the point that most people have a problem with. I think whether or not you agree with that suggestion should depend on your own personal experiences and feelings about that issue. I personally chose not to have close friends of the opposite sex. This I have learned from my own personal life experiences and I am comfortable with my decision. I do feel it makes my marriage much stronger. However I also feel that you have to treat all people with resect and care, same sex or opposite sex. You do have to interact with both genders at work, school, and in the community. Perhaps you should just ask yourself if your level of interaction affects your marriage? Is your spouse ok with it? Are you ok with it? Why would Mr. Neuman make this suggestion and how could it help my marriage?Overall I think the book is great. It stesses that marriage takes a lot of work (work that can be very enjoyable however). And I do feel that the most important person in your life (your spouse) does deserve you putting in the work. Read the book and apply what may help your marriage. No need to get defensive if you don't agree, like some of the few readers that did not like the book.

from a professional point of view

As a marital therapsit I've found this book to be of exceptional help with my marital patients. It's unusual in how it offers clear direction for a marriage at any stage. I've found it useful to help couples create clear daily goals for their marriage, learn how their parents' marriage has affected them, and how to create a great deal of passion. The book offers such creative activities which I have my patients work on together. There's a great chapter on sex also. It really helps couples focus in on the deeper meaning of sex and has some straightforward advice that every couple must know. I've found the book great for my patients also because of the stories which really bring the ideas to life and make it a quick read. There are so many books that seem to preach but this one seems to offer a conversation with you. The author seems to have purposely created a book that helps a couple think together and create something unique for themselves. Most of all, the book is not afraid to tell it like it is. Neuman makes us think about the energy we have to give to our spouse and how much of it goes quickly to the wrong places. He has an especially great piece on accepting our spouse's flaws called "the Mona Lisa was no size two," where he really makes you think about how society has brainwashed us into certain beliefs about our spouses. I don't usually take the time to write reviews but this is something exceptional that can really help a lot of people. I'll keep buying it for my patients.