Don't Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction

by Patrick J. Carnes

Book Overview

"Dr. Patrick Carnes is a creative, pioneering, and courageous human being. His books are changing the lives of thousands " "I lost three marriages, all because of affairs." "I became suicidal because of multiple intense involvements." "I spent money on sex when I needed it for children's clothes." "I lost promotion opportunities and a special scholarship because my co-workers found out about my sex life." Every day they face the possibility of destruction,...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0553351389
• ISBN13: 9780553351385
• Release Date: March 1992
• Publisher: Bantam
• Length: 448 Pages
• Weight: 0.86 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.0" x 5.3" x 8.3"

Customer Reviews

My husband's secret revealed..I needed answers..I found them here!!

Easily, I could say that Patrick Carne's books on sexual addiction has saved my marriage and my husband's life and maybe my own as well. My first read was "Out of the Shadows" and it softened my angry heart after hearing my husbands confession of being with around 100 women over the past 5 years of our 17 year marriage and all sexual encounters were UNPROTECTED sex. I found out the hard way. How could all these powerful, crippling emotions that I was feeling be tamed?? How could I ever forgive this scrum of the earth!! READ this book and you can do the impossible!! It answers my questions without having to continually confront my husband with the aweful thoughts of how he could be such a hypocrite all our married years!! What was he doing? Is he comparing me to his many different women when we had sex? Will he do it again? Will he always lie?? Is he really a good person deep down?? etc. All the questions have been answered and then some and I saw my own behaviors make the situation even worse without my knowing. I was a coaddict and codependent at different times. In only 4 months of my recovery and 18 months of his recovery we are happier than I ever thought possible!! This book takes you step by step as to what you can expect with building a healthy relationship with a recovering sex addict!! It is very detailed and gives advice from recovering addicts! It speaks in easy to understand language. It recognizes problems that can arise and gives you answers as to what to do if they happen to you!! This was my fifth book on looking for answers to sexual addiction..Out of the Shadows was first, Secret Wars..second..Love, Sex and Infidelity, His Needs/Her Needs, and finally, with MUCH relief to my quest..DON'T CALL IT LOVE!! AFter reading this book I don't feel the need to read anymore on the subject of sexual addiction. I have more hope than I ever thought possible. The communication, Openess and honesty are first and foremost in reestablishing our relationship that was always crippled from the start of our marriage because he thought getting married would fix his problem!! It doesn't! It affects everyone around you and even the children! If you are a sex addict or spouse, family member, friend, etc. of a sex addict..READ this book!! You will not be disappointed at all!! No book has done such a good job at laying it all out there and still keep it in healthy context for anyone to read! I saw my whole marriage and all the frustration of it take shape and form and how it brought out the worst in each of us..Now it is bringing out the very best in us with the 12 step program and this book!! Patience and understanding is most helpful and if you don't have it now you will get it from this book!! Good Luck to you and God Bless!!

Positively Stunning

The world would be a remarkably better place if "Don't Call it Love" could be required reading for all humanity. This book documents the results of a study that looked at people who identified themselves as tending to act in a compulsive manner sexually. There is no shame here, no accusations, and no demands, simply concurrent statements of fact. This was Carnes' study and these are the results.If you've ever wondered, ever even suspected, by the time you finish this book you will know for sure, one way or the other. I also read "Out of the Shadows," by Carnes. It rang true in the same way, and I've found that many people can finish it in one sitting. "Don't call it love" takes longer, but is much more comprehensive. I strongly reccomend buying both, starting with "Out of the Shadows" and then moving on to this one.Bottom Line; whether or not you or someone you know struggles with sexually compulsive behavior, what you will learn from this book will help you understand the psycology of addiction and make you a more compassionate human being. Far and away the best book on the topic I have ever read.

Excellent discussion of addiction, sexual and otherwise

His explanantion and discussion of addiction, in particular his explanantion of the Additive Model of Addiction, is worth the price of the book all by itself (actually, the book is a real bargain for the price). He discusses clearly the etiology of the sex addict, relating how a person becomes involved in compulsive sexual acting out and why, and includes resource references, such as contact nos. for SCA, SA, SLAA, et al.His "Out of the Shadows" is also a very good book on this topic, but in treating the topic of addiction, he stays within the confines of sexual addiction, and so if you are new to learning about addictions, some points may be lost on you. They are both worth getting and reading (I have both), but if you want to buy only one, and are wondering which to get, I recommend this one over OOTS-- but only because it treats both addiction in general as well as what it looks like in the context of sex. Thus I feel this book is more comprehensive.If you even suspect you may have a sexual compulsion, buy this book and decide about yourself for yourself.

Excellent explanation of the addiction.

This book is an excellent first book to read on the subject for someone trying to understand sexual addiction in a loved one, or even for someone who finally found a "name" for their behavior. It is very factual and easy to understand. Patrick Carnes also uses analogies and stories to help you understand the grip and consequences of this strong-holding addiction.

I'm a counselor and this book has helped my clients.

As an addictions counselor, I can testify that this book should be the first stop for anyone wanting to understand more about sexual addiction. See if you fit the pattern. Even if some of the examples are more extreme than your situation, focus on the basics and see if it sounds like you. Most of my clients have had no problem seeing themselves clearly in this book.