Don't Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns That Limit Success

by Sylvia Lafair

Book Overview

How can you get to the bottom of workplace behaviors that simply don't work for you or your organization?

Don't Bring It to Work explores what happens when patterns originally created to cope with family conflicts are unleashed in the workplace.?This groundbreaking book draws on the success of Sylvia Lafair's PatternAware program Total Leadership Connections. Throughout the book she shows how to break the cycle of pattern repetition and offers...

• Format: Hardcover
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0470404361
• ISBN13: 9780470404362
• Release Date: March 2009
• Publisher: Jossey-Bass
• Length: 256 Pages
• Weight: 1.00 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.0" x 6.2" x 9.1"

Customer Reviews

Whatever happened at home should stay at home

In this book, Sylvia Lafair explains how to break certain family patterns that limit career success by "claiming and taming the world of interpersonal relationships." All people have problems at work and in their personal lives. They become upset, confused, and impatient. "Such frustrations are understandable. But what most of us...never really `get' is why people believe the way they do, and what can be done about it. The problem isn't always other people's behavior, either. How many times have you regretted something you said or did at work and thought, `Why do I always do that?' Ever want to help your employees find out what's holding them back? Or holding you back?" Lafair poses other questions of comparable importance. Her purpose in this book is NOT to answer them. Rather, to help her reader answer them...and perhaps help others to answer the questions they have. "This book helps you get to the bottom of workplace behaviors that simply don't work for you or your organization. More important, it shows you exactly what you can do about them. You'll learn practical steps you can take to improve your professional relationships and make you a better leader, a better mentor, a better teammate. You'll gain a remarkable new understanding of yourself and your colleagues almost immediately." What I realized almost immediately as I began to read the first chapter is that Lafair is demonstrating the importance of context and frame-of-reference by establishing them for the PatternAware(tm)Leadership Model, an approach based on her more than 30 years of experience with both healthy and dysfunctional interpersonal relationships. Her observations and recommendations are thus supported by an abundance of empirical, real-world evidence. With rigor and eloquence, she explains how behavior patterns from a person's history are intimately connected with every aspect of that person's adult life, not least of all her or his work life. Much of her book is devoted to helping her reader to understand that, "although you can never fully leave your family behind, you don't have to bring it to work." That is frequently true but I have also observed, in my own behavior and others', that it is possible to haul so-called "baggage" anywhere, into any relationship, without being aware of it. I've worked with people who have more hang-ups than a telemarketer. Over the years, Lafair has identified "The 13 Most Common Patterns(tm) We Bring to Work" and they serve as a thematic infrastructure for her narrative. They are identified and discussed in Chapter Four. Here are three: * The Persecutor: humiliates work associates with finger-pointing, demanding, judging, and blaming. The persecutor behaves like a bully and takes no prisoners. No resolutions occur because everyone is afraid to take him or her on. * The Avoider: leaves the scene - whether physically or emotionally - when the going gets tough, so that the real concerns never are faced. Meetings get short-circuit

Accurate Assessment: Embarrassment > "AHA!" > Restructure

Sylvia Lafair has not only the background of knowledge and professional experience to writing this excellent book DON'T BRING IT TO WORK, she also is a solid writer who understands how to capture attention and maintain interest in both self improvement and understanding as well as how to take the information gleaned from this book to the workplace. In short, this is not only a sound and enjoyable read of a book, it is also one of the better 'fix the problems at work' books on the shelves today. Lafair's background as a Family Therapist is evident on every page. But what makes reading her introduction to the personality idiosyncrasies each of us has as a result of both our immediate family and our upbringing so pertinent is her mastery of finding just those character traits each of us possesses and leads us into the workplace where we not only identify our own 'role playing' but also the tropes of those around us. What then? Once the personality types dragged as baggage from the home to work are identified, Lafair addresses the means of how to deal with malfunctioning personality disorders in a way that benefits not only the 'person with problem', but also with the entire work 'family'. Observe. Identify. Alter. Change. For this reader the magnetism of Lafair's book is discovering our own personality traits that have always affected the way in which we function. At first, identifying ourselves as either a 'victim', and 'avoider' or 'persecutor' etc is embarrassing. But Lafair dives into reconstruction right away, provides insight and workbook sessions, and in the end everyone who reads this book will find a happier adjustment to the place where we spend the better part of our day - WORK! Read her book then consider giving copies to pertinent people where you work. Change IS possible. Grady Harp, June 09

How to understand your own interpersonal patterns and transform them

Sylvia Lafair has provided us with a really wonderful book that helps us understand how the interpersonal dynamics we learned in our family must affect the way we interact with others at work. That is, until we learn to see those dynamics within ourselves and in others. She helps us see them clearly using stories from her own professional life as a family and workplace therapist. She uses a model of the 13 most common patterns (she doesn't claim these are all the patterns) and how you can see yourself in them (she has an assessment) and dig into the family dynamic that led you to your dominant patterns. Later, she shows you how to transform these 13 largely reactive modes into active and positive patterns. For example, she shows us how to move from mere super-achievement to becoming a creative collaborator and from persecutor to visionary. She points out that this is NOT about changing who you are, but free what you already are by giving fuller expression to your potential rather than letting the past shut you inside certain boundaries formed by habit and fear. The book has three parts. The first three chapters show us the connection between home and work. She makes a very compelling case for her views. The second part, chapters 4 and 5, explain the 13 most common destructive patterns that we see in the workplace and their roots in our family experiences. Part three shows us how to become more authentic, how to talk with honesty but without becoming a rehab facility instead of a workplace. And finally, she connects the dots. She shows us how most of our limits our self-imposed by our thoughts rather than anything external. When we redefine our boundaries we can re-create much of who we are and achieve what really matters to us most. I like the way Lafair uses stories, most examples from her practice, to illustrate the principles she teaches us. She also uses charts and diagrams effectively, but not too much. She also provides take-aways at the end of each chapter that are very helpful in capturing the essence of what we want to remember from each chapter. Really, this book is for everyone. Personally, I think it will not only help you at work, but in your family life, as well. Just terrific. Reviewed by Craig Matteson, Ann Arbor, MI

Great Work on Family and the Workplace

Throughout the book the author offers very effective and practical tools to break free of family baggage that everyone is toting. To my knowledge, this is the first book I have seen that deals with this all important issue of what happens when coping mechanisms that were created to cope with family conflicts are used in the workplace. Not a good idea as most of us have experienced. This work addresses both personal development and leadership. The overriding message is it is hard to grow and lead others when you are pulling the dead weight of past family issues with you everyday. By recognition and heightened awareness you can take control of this issue and move to the next level. I didn't know exactly what to expect from this book but I am glad I bought it. I can easily see how applying the principles contained within will result in a more productive team and more profits for the employer. I hope you find this review helpful. Michael L. Gooch, SPHR - Author of Wingtips with Spurs Cowboy Wisdom for Today's Business Leaders.

S. Sorrells

This book has changed the way I deal with situations at work and at home. It made me understand why we react the way we do to different situations in the workplace. How to separate outside influences that can hinder success. Outstanding book and highly recommend it.