Don't Ask

by Donald E. Westlake

Book Overview

With the planned heist of a religious relic, Dortmunder, the unluckiest criminal in the world, plunges into international diplomacy with a caper for acquiring a seat on the United Nations General Assembly. But a major fiasco proves a bone of contention and forces him to come up with Plan B.

Dortmunder's lucky ring is stolen in the bungled burglary of a nasty billionaire's Long Island mansion. Now, a series of raids are planned to get the ring back...

• Format: Hardcover
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0892964693
• ISBN13: 9780892964697
• Release Date: April 1993
• Publisher: Mysterious Press
• Length: 336 Pages
• Weight: 1.30 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.1" x 6.4" x 9.2"

Customer Reviews

Quid Lucrum Istic Mihi Est?

Humor me while I tell you about this crime comedy."What's In It For Me?" is the motto that Dortmunder claims from his family crest until someone reminds him that he was brought up as an orphan at the Bleeding Heart Sisters of Eternal Misery in Dead Indian, Illinois. He finally admits, "I stole it." That sums up Dortmunder's approach to life, and is the theme of this story.Caught in a tug-of-war, two newly formed Eastern European countries, Tsergovia and Votskojek, are fighting for one seat in the United Nations. A Catholic Archbishop has been selected to determine who shall gain the seat. Both countries assume that he will be swayed by who has the authentic relic of Saint Ferghana Karanovich (1200?-1217), repentant daughter of a family of murdering and robbing innkeepers. The relic is one of her femurs, a remnant of some unpleasant family eating habits. In the hands of Votskojek, Tsergovia has challenged its authenticity. Tests are being conducted in New York. Tsergovia knows that Votskojek has the real thing, and needs to find a way to grab the bone. Like two children pulling on a wish bone at Thanksgiving, only one will get their wish.Dortmunder and his usual cronies (Andy Kelp, Stan Murch, Murch's Mom, and Tiny Bulcher) are engaged in pursuing this activity for Tsergovia by Tiny's cousin, Grijk Krugnk (and if you can say that correctly, you are the only one who can other than Dortmunder). Although Tsergovia has no money, a New York bank unwittingly loans Tsergovia funds that Grijk Krugnk can use to hire Dortmunder and his crew. Who will get the seat? Who will get the bone? Is the bone genuine? Those are but a few of the questions this zany novel will answer for you. To me, the best Dortmunder novels have brilliant plans, really weird complications, and lots of jokes along the way. Don't Ask abounds in all three dimensions.I thought the humor was the best of any book I have read in the series. There is the obligatory nonsense among the regular patrons at the OJ Bar & Grill on Amsterdam Avenue, where Dortmunder likes to hold his meetings in the back room. They begin by discussing why the Indy 500 is called that. One regular asserts, "It's because . . . they run it on Independence Day." Another argues that Independence Day is not the Fourth of July, "This Fourth of July is the fourth of July!" "The reason they call the Indy the Indy is because they named it in honor the guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark." And on it goes!A second source of humor is about the difficulties that the Eastern Europeans have in pronouncing English words and the American have in pronouncing Eastern European words. After this book, Tiny may become "Diny" for you. A third source of humor is the book's main theme, the absurd seriousness with which sovereign nations are treated . . . even if there is almost no substance to them. J.C. Taylor provides the coup de grace on this subject in the book's final chapter. You'll enjoy it.A fourth source of humo

Dem Bones, Dem Bones

Dortmunder's back and, judging by the opening chapter, his luck still hasn't changed for the better - thank goodness. If it's possible, the predicaments he gets into are even more outlandish and are described even more vividly by Westlake.The genius of the Dortmunder books is the brilliant simplicity of the plans that can't fail, followed by their inevitable failure, usually through a most unexpected foul-up. This timeout, Dortmunder is asked by regular scary man Tiny Bulcher to help recover a holy relic for his cousin's homeland. It just happens that the relic is the femur of an obscure saint, somehow important to the country being granted entry into the United Nations. As the title suggests...don't ask.Once again, Dortmunder devises an ingeniously simple plan to recover the relic from the embassy of a neighbouring country. Once again his plan works perfectly - almost. Once again he must devise an even more brilliant plan which takes more risks and leaves him open to even greater failure.Hilariously, the boys from the Continental Detective Agency make another ill-fated appearance. This mob would have to be the unluckiest group of blokes in New York. They continue to be the only people who consistently come off second best to Dortmunder and his crew.This is the eighth book in the Dortmunder series and carries on the tradition in fine style. As a reader who has read the previous seven, the sly references to incidents that occurred in earlier books gave the feeling of being a part of the team, reminiscing about past glories. For a very humorous and enjoyable caper, this is an extremely worthwhile read.

One of the best in the series

I would put this book right up there with Drowned Hopes and WTWTCH? as the cream of the Dortmunder crop. The first chapter alone is worth the price of admission; aside from serving as an excellent introduction to the characters and setting the stage for what's to come (in more ways than one), it is a wonderful piece of writing and a comedic tour de force. You might think the rest of the book couldn't possibly live up to the lofty standard set by Chapter 1, but it does, and then some. I could go on and on, but suffice it to say that I can't recommend this book highly enough.

An essentially perfect comic caper novel.

This book is wildly successful at all levels. Tightly plotted, it has more surprising turns than a roller coaster. The comedy is deft and clever, and the characterizations are vivid, amusing, and engrossing. A genuinely brilliant tour de force.

If you read only one Dortmunder novel, this should be the 1.

Westlake's continuing character, hapless thief John Archibald Dortmunder, suffers his penultimate humiliation in this novel, and gets his most satisfying revenge. Dortmunder's jobs always go wrong, and this time he is actually kidnapped and held prisoner by the people he tried to rob. Dortmunder escapes, and grimly pursues the most hilarious vengeance ever conceived by an author. This is Westlake at his best. Consistently funny, cynical, sharp and breathtakingly well-written. If you have never read a Dortmunder novel, start with this one. If you're an old fan, this is the one to come back with.