But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships

by Jill A. Murray

Book Overview

One in three girls will be in a controlling, abusive dating relationship before she graduates from high school - from verbal or emotional abuse to sexual abuse or physical battering. Is your daughter in danger?

Dr. Jill Murray speaks on the topic of dating violence at high schools around the country, reaching more than 10,000 students, teachers, and counsellors each year. In every school she visits, she is approached by teenage girls in...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0060957298
• ISBN13: 9780060957292
• Release Date: August 2001
• Publisher: Harper Perennial
• Length: 208 Pages
• Weight: 0.40 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.5" x 5.4" x 8.1"

Customer Reviews

First Time A Victim, Second Time You Volunteered

Before I tell people who I meet that my life mission is to guide women and girls to earn trust in themselves, I often have the privilege of being asked relationship or mother/daughter questions by girls between the ages of 14 and 21.With the comments that I've heard, lately, I feel compelled to review this excellent book, in hopes that those whom I haven't spoken to find something in both this review, and in Dr. Murray's book, to guide them to earn trust in themselves.To earn trust in themselves does require you to accept the reality of now, and to admit what you may have up to now not admitted (If you have trouble doing this, this admission is a great beginning).Let's start with what makes abusive relationships different from teen girls, versus women who are much older.With teen girls the priorities are:1. Peer approval (this is usually about image, not reality)2. Gender-role expectations (some girls are taught that having a boyfriend is analogous to being lovable)3. Lack of experience (as a teen, you are trying to work out a life that hasn't been lived)4. Little contact with adult resources (with mother's feeling threatened by their daughter's youth, many daughters have difficulty finding role models)5. Less access to societal resources (most require parental involvement)6. Less access to the legal leverage (the laws assume that the daughter doesn't need this support)7. She fantasizes about who he could be, with her help (See, "The Princess Who Believes in Fairy Tales")8. Once in the relationship, she decides that she can't get out of it, even if she wanted to (See, "My Mother/Myself)9. She doesn't know that both of them are willing participants in the struggle to be with someone, while avoiding their fear of recreating their past dramas (See, "Narcissim")10. Unspoken social pressure has taught her to avoid herself, that is avoid being visible to other girls, by going out of her way to make a guy her project (See, "101 Lies Men Tell Women: And Why Women Believe Them")For the older women, the challenge is:1. Social pressure to prove that she is a woman, as defined by the "invisible woman out there"2. Financial needs3. Blaming her inadequacies (imagined or real4. Her decision that her needs are too great5. Domestic Violence professional's expect her to experience this again, at least 7 times, before she will be free, or deadThis is a wonder book, written for parents, but certainly good for young girls to also read.What I did not see in this book is something that I have seen again and again from those who are abused is that in the moment that the abuser attacks the girl's worthiness, what she does is choke off her own breathing. This causes her to cut off her thoughts. This also causes her punish herself for the idea of her being angry at what he is doing to her.For all the teen girls who think that his jealousy, possessiveness, manipulation, or attempts to isolat

Teens like it too

I bought this book for myself just to keep informed about teens' issues. My daughter, then 13, saw the book and began devouring it and analyzing her relationships. She made immediate changes in one friendship, deciding that she shouldn't put up with being hit or belittled anymore. Now, a year later, she is buying the book for a friend who accepts controlling behavior from her boyfriend.

EXCELLENT WORDS OF WISDOM

As a counsellor in domestic violence and human behaviour, so often I have heard the words, "If only I had done (or not done) .... he would never have hit me," or "He only pushed me, but he loves me and promised he would never do it again." Abuse is not about love; it is about control, and without extensive therapy for emotional issues that cause the abuser to abuse (quite often the abuser was himself a victim of abuse), the problem is not going to get better, it is not going to go away - it will, in all probability, escalate to greater heights as time goes on.The book points out many of the danger signals, and examines the various types of abuse: physical, verbal, emotional and sexual. The author also talks about the healing process for those who have been abused. When you stop to ponder the issue that one in three girls will be in a controlling, manipulative or abusive realtionship of some nature before they graduate from high school, it is enough to put both parents and teen-aged daughters on their guard. The aftermath of long-term abuse is devastating and horrendous beyond words; the emotional scars remain long after the physical wounds disappear. Quite often those scars never disappear and affect our self-image, our families and our future relationships. We have all heard that "love is blind" but there is also much truth to the statement that "there is none so blind as those who will not see." Denial is not always a wonderful thing. True love never physically hurts; it emotionally nurtures, heals and protects. As the reader will learn through the pages of this book, there are various kinds of love, but there is a huge difference between infatuation, addictive love and true lasting love. Teens, although they truly believe at the time they are madly "in love", are quite often in love with the idea of being in love. Being young, they have not yet had the opportunities or experiences to distinguish the difference between first love and overactive hormones, and mature and lasting love.The author uses real-life examples to drive her point home; they are true stories that go on in some part of the country, every minute of every hour of every day. If this book helps only one young woman (and there are bound to be many more) then the author may not only have prevented a tragedy, but perhaps saved a human life. This is highly recommended reading material and worth a universe of stars! Hats off to Jill Murray for telling it like it is.

Not Only for parents, Teenage Daughters should read this too

I am a teenage girl who was in an abusive realtionship. One day I stumbled across this book in the self-help section of a book store. It caught my attention so I bought it (even though it was focused towards the parents of teenage girls). I began reading it only to find that I wish I would have read this book before I started dating him. I was in an abusive relationship for three years. Knowing what I know after reading "But I Love Him" I would not have dated the guy (and I no longer do). This book by far is the best book I have ever read. I strongly think that every teenage girl should read this book before they start to date. It will open their eyes to a world of abuse they have never seen or been through before. I couldn't get through chapters without crying for it hit home very hard. The author has this book right on, like she had been through it before. Buy this book for you and then have your daughter read it also. LET ME TELL YOU, IT'S A REAL EYE OPENER.

For adolescent girls -- and all of us who love them

Somewhere along the line, the unacceptable became de rigueur. In a reality that's far different from the innocent, endearing pictures we may have about adolescent love, an alarming number of teen girls paint pictures of "love" that include jealousy, verbal abuse, and forceful - even violent - physical encounters. Yet, when they're asked to confront the uncomfortable, unacceptable nature of their relationships, these girls wail in protest, "But I love him!"In this book, Dr. Jill Murray begins with the assertion that love is a behavior. She outlines and describes dating behaviors that are intentional acts of power and control - the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. In contrast, she also provides descriptions and examples of healthy, loving relationship - one with equality at its core.Against this backdrop, Dr. Murray provides a practical guide for protecting our teen daughters from unhealthy, abusive relationships. The reader learns how to identify abusive behaviors and potential abusers; importantly, s/he will also discover the traits and family backgrounds that can put an adolescent girl at higher risk for entering abusive relationships. For the concerned parent whose daughter (or son) is in an abusive relationship, Dr. Murray offers a wealth of ideas and resources for intervention. In short, this book offers sound advice for those of us who want to help our adolescent girls take back the personal power and the control that they may have given over to their abusive boyfriends. While this book is written primarily for concerned parents, it holds practical value for social workers, teachers, and practitioners who work with adolescent girls and their romantic partners.