Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors

by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post

Book Overview

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control covers in detail the effects of trauma on the body-mind and how trauma alters children's behavioral responses. The first four chapters help parents and professionals clearly understand the neurological research behind the basic model given in this book, deemed, 'The Stress Model.' While scientifically based in research, it is written in an easy to understand and easy to grasp format for anyone working with or parenting children with severe behaviors. The next seven chapters are individually devoted to seven behaviors typically seen with attachment-challenged children. These include lying, stealing, hoarding and gorging, aggression, defiance, lack of eye contact, and yes, even a chapter that talks candidly about how parents appear hostile and angry when they work to simply maintain their families from reaching complete states of chaos. Each of these chapters talks in depth on these specific behaviors and gives vivid and contrasting examples of how this love-based approach works to foster healing and works to develop relationships, as opposed to the fear-based traditional attachment parenting approaches that are being advocated in today's attachment field. The authors end with a Parenting Bonus Section: true testimonials from parents who have been able to make significant changes in their homes with this model of parenting, giving real-life examples of how they have been able to find the healing, peace, and love that they had been seeking prior to working through the techniques outlined in this book.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0977704009
• ISBN13: 9780977704002
• Release Date: February 2006
• Publisher: Beyond Consequences Institute
• Length: 152 Pages
• Weight: 0.60 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.7" x 6.0" x 8.9"

Customer Reviews

This book put into words and examples things I had been discovering with my own daughter

I loved this book! It really is amazing to bring everything back to Love versus Fear and being present with your child. It sounds so easy, but most people I observe don't do it regularly and well- even "great parents"! It has been huge learning to just be there for my daughter, to listen and really hear what she is saying instead of knee jerk-reacting! It has already affected my life inside and outside of my home and I know it will continue to be life changing if I continue to be aware and grow in these areas! I heard Dr. Post speak and then I purchased the book. I knew right away that what they were saying made sense and not many others were saying it. I had done a lot of research and had listened to a lot of friends give advice, but parenting my daughter in those ways was not working and was not getting the same results as they were getting or that I even recall having when my mom and dad raised me! I keep this book available to re-read and re-read. It is amazing how something so simple can get so difficult as we live out day to day life. I need these reminders! Also, Great examples! Because I so loved this book I did some research and I also just completed a training with one of the authors Heather Forbes (and Eric Guy) of this model -My husband came with me and we both loved it and have been applying it not only to our relationship and interactions with our daughter but with each other. Some of these principles in the book have given us instant positive results- I have never heard my daughter speak out the things that are overwhelming her so clearly or so soon, especially when the beginning of the sharing was her yelling at me that I was "so mean" for say, making her turn off a TV show. With other parenting styles I would have sent her instantly to her room or time out with a "don't you use that tone with me young lady" Now the TV still stays off, but we end up talking, yelling slows down and instead of tears and more screaming, I actually end up hearing her heart about topics totally unrelated to the anger expressed about turning off the TV. It is amazing! Other things we are still working on, mostly on applying things that are in areas I now see I have my own issues not yet healed. I highly recommend this book to anyone, and especially to those whose children have been adopted, have been through some sort of trauma, have attachment issue or very low ability to manage stress and who don't respond to more traditional parenting methods like you would have expected. Actually- to those families the book will be life saving- to any families you will love what it brings into your tool-box! READ IT! And if you are reading this book and would like another tool in your tool-box, sign up on Heather Forbes' website Beyond Consequences website for free Daily Parenting Tips! I signed up for heather's Parenting emails and was amazed how each day they came so right on target and made me look at myself, not just my child's behaviors. It reinforces wh

Relationship before performance and behavior!

This book puts relationship before performance,which in my way of thinking, is unconditional love. Is there anything more important than relationship? We don't want "robot children." We want children who can feel and connect in meaningful ways with others, beginnning with their parents. In a word, this book communicates grace-based technniques.

Changing lives instead of controling behavior

Which would you rather do: Control your child's behavior using threats, punishments, consequences, and "time outs;" or influence your child's heart so that they want to behave well out of love and sense of security and self-control? That's the question at the heart of this book. Forbes and Post focus primarily on how to bring healing to the hearts and minds of children who've experienced early-childhood trauma, but the paradigm that they build here can be helpful to any parent who dreads the next encounter with their kids. In our house, with three children adopted at ages 7, 7, and 5, we lived through the effects of trauma, abandonment, and neglect on a daily basis. We tried all of the "logic" techniques, and the "magic" techniques that tried to establish control over our children. They all worked - for a while. Then the rages, the whining, the violent melt-downs would return with even greater force. When we discovered that the stress our children experienced in their first few years had an actual bio-physical impact on their brain development that made them hyper-sensitive to stress and unable to self-calm, a light bulb went off. Our attempts to control the children's behavior was actually adding to their stress and fear, and therefore amplifying the very problems we were trying to correct. Post and Forbes helped us to look beyond the veil of anger and recognize our children's fear, acted out in the things the would do. When we began responding to their fear instead of reacting to the behavior it brought about, we began to see dramatic healing. This is a short book and easy to read. But it's hard to put into practice because it goes against so much of what we've learned from "common wisdom." The one thing that makes it worth it all is that it works! It works right up front, and the changes in our children are lasting. Yes, there are regressions, but because we've learned to move beyond consequences our home is a far more peaceful place, and our children are living out the love-based behavior we so desire to nurture in their lives.

Adoptive Mother & Psychotherapist

I am an adoptive mother of a child adopted at birth. For years, I searched for answers to her emotional meltdowns. I never considered her pre-birth trauma & felt that our love would be able to overcome her adoption issues. As a psychotherapist, I have read many, many books & articles but none of them helped. This book is a God send! I give it to all of my cients who wrestle with their own bonding issues. Don't we all to some extent? It is changing my relationship with my child who is now physically grown but there is still so much emotional maturity to be had. Heather Forbes has been there as a mother & Bryan Post was one of those children. This book is incredibly honest & insightful. This is not just for attachment challenged children. It is helpful with everyone; it helps us give ourselves the grace to accept our wounds from the past, to love ourselves & to move on to maturity. I cannot recommend this book enough. I cannot thank Bryan & Heather enough for getting this information out to us. It is life changing!

Every adoptive parent should have this book

I am an adoptive mother of 2 children adopted at 4 years of age. Both of my children have behaviours that would be considered "attachment disordered". With the arrival of our second child 3 months ago our home turned into a nightmare of chaos, aggression, defiance and fear. We tried various strategies to control our children without success and life was continuting to spiral downwards in a frightening way. Then I found Beyond Consequences, and at last I have finally found hope that our family can indeed heal. The stress model is so very simple to understand and the love-based techniques outlined really do work. They also feel so right - many of the traditional attachment-based strategies just didn't feel 'right' to me - I would implement them and when my child was more traumatised than ever I would wonder if I was doing the right thing or not. Not so with love-based techniques, I just know that this is the right way to help my children heal. This book is truly amazing and I would recommend every adoptive family, whether they have children with severe behaviours or not read it over and over.