All You Need Is Love and Other Lies about Marriage: How to Save Your Marriage Before It's Too Late

by John W. Jacobs

Book Overview

Why is it so difficult to remain married in thetwenty-first century, and what can you do about it?

We all know that half of today's marriages end in divorce, but we tend to believe that our own marriages are safe. As psychiatrist John Jacobs explains in this fresh and impassioned book, marriages today are incredibly fragile, and unless a couple understands what is making contemporary marriage so vulnerable to dissolution, the marriage is...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0060509317
• ISBN13: 9780060509316
• Release Date: March 2005
• Publisher: Harper Perennial
• Length: 272 Pages
• Weight: 1.15 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.7" x 5.2" x 7.9"

Customer Reviews

Adding my 5 stars

I went through a few books on marriage before finding this one. I found "All You Need" to be most practical and not loaded with statistics telling you what you pretty much already know from personal experience. Instead, this book gives it to you straight with both explanations and advice you can apply to your marriage immediately.

Wow, this excellent book explains a lot.

I wish I had this book years ago, it explains so much. For example, the author explains that marriages today are heavily influenced and burdened by the outside in. That means that we are stuck in the old roles and expectations of the past even though our culture has changed dramatically. Excellent, common sense points abound throughout the book. This is by far the best book on marriage I have ever read. If you are looking for ways to understand and improve your relationship -married or thinking about getting married- you owe it to yourself to get this book.

Very insightful...unraveling the myths of marriage

Although I think the author is still stuck with a bias in favor of marriage cf. divorce (or non-marriage), he does an excellent job of dismantling the myths about marriage and providing powerful suggestions on addressing the difficulties that those lies were designed to cover up. "...more than 50% of all marriages in the U.S. end within the first 20 years of marriage." "Men and women put up with limited gratification in their marriages because they had other more serious problems with which to contend." -in previous times when marriage was entered more for survival and not for personal satisfaction. "...chronic depression is more common in married individuals than in singles." "Indeed, it has exposed a universal truth: Historically, one of the most important glues keeping marriage together has been women's economic dependency on men." "The single most powerful effect on marriage of women's new economic power is women's greater willingness to divorce." "Recently, a Gallup Poll sponsored by Rutgers University's National Marriage Project found that, among people in their twenties, 87 percent believe that they will find a "soul mate" when they are ready to do so....I believe that the wish for unconditional love represents a new mythical solution to our common fears of abandonment...By all means, hold on to your ideal of unconditional love for your younger kids and puppies, but give it up when it comes to your marriage. Your spouse will not and should not accept everything you dish out, and neither should you." "You're not really listening unless you're prepared to changed by what you've heard." "Getting what you want in a marriage by coercion is a Pyrrhic victory at best because it simultaneously creates resentment in your spouse that silently undermines your relationship." "Differentiation refers to the human ability to acknowledge and maintain a separate sense of self while still remaining closely connected to others." "Most people change in relationships when they like the person they are changing for, feel cared for by the person requesting the change, understand why that person wants them to change, feel capable of the change being asked of them, and believe that the change does not imply a loss of power or position." "As appalling as this may sound, resolution of marital problems sometimes comes from transforming the ineffective, manipulative threat of divorce into the thoughtful, realistic option to divorce." "You must be able to stand firm in the belief that figuring out how to be part of the solution does not mean that you are the sole cause of the problem." "The decision to behave fairly and agreeably, no matter how you continue to be treated by your loved one, is terrifying because this kind of self-control inevitably foretells greater maturity and differentiation of the self. It is self-empowerment. The inherent danger of unbalanced, unilateral maturation is that the less mature spouse rapidly becomes undesirable

Read this book before you get married

This book articulates exactly the kind of issues which occur in marriage which tend to be brushed aside as being inconsequential/trivial/the norm you have to live with but ultimately have a lot of impact on how happy you are in marriage. Both partners need to read this book!

Single or married- buy this book!!

This book "tells it like it is". Although the contemporary state of marriage reflects a sad 50% divorce rate, the observations and suggestions in this book might help to reverse those dismal statistics. One needs to be absolutely aware and "conscious" before entering the holy state of marriage. Questions to ask yourself: Are you and your loved one "best friends"? Do you have common values and interests? Do both of you consider your _commitment to your marriage_ as the most important aspect of your mutual values? Are you willing to compromise with your partner? Have you discussed parentage? (having children places the greatest strain on a marriage.)This is a fine publication, and worth your while.